Set Me Free
by uragaaru
Summary: A simple question sets off a raucous, pop punk-fueled mall comedy on a quiet Saturday afternoon. Genderbending, ascended extras, queerness, and DEEP CHARACTER REVELATIONS. Okay, fine. People eat food and buy stuff they don't really need. It's set at a mall, not a philosophical roundtable discussing the nature of the self.
1. Act I: The Bet

Set Me Free

Act I: The Bet

* * *

"You ever think you complain too much, Saotome?"

Ranma Saotome looked up at the person asking the question, ramen noodles dangling out of his mouth as though he was a wheat-based eldritch horror.

"Wha-?" Ranma asked before noisily slurping up the wad of noodles. He looked up across the round table to see his best "regular friends" Hiroshi and Daisuke sitting in front of him.

While Ranma was eating his fourth bowl of ramen (this one with extra spicy ma po tofu), the two classmates were hanging back, their empty bowls pushed aside long ago. They both had their gakuran jackets placed on the chairs behind them as they sat. Daisuke leaned back, his hands back behind his head, occasionally ruffling his messy, almost curly brown hair as he daydreamed into space. Hiroshi, more serious in his countenance as he leaned forward, his elbows on the table, pointed at Ranma.

"I mean, no offense dude, we've been in the same class for like almost two years now, and like—" Hiroshi shrugged. "Daisuke n' I don't see what's so bad about your curse. It's, like, just a thing. Like how Daisuke didn't stop wetting the bed till like 7th grade."

"DUDE!" Daisuke turned, almost falling off his chair. He pointed at Hiroshi. "Well, what about that time you called Nurse Shinonome 'Mom' when you got hit by that dodgeball!"

"I was concussed!"

Ranma looked at the two arguing with a half-lidded stare. "You guys are idiots. It's called a 'curse' for a reason. It makes my life hell."

Hiroshi and Daisuke laughed before Hiroshi replied. "I don't see how any of what you have is hell. You got three, no, four girls chasing you and you, like, do all this badass kung fu and you treat it like it's nothing." Hiroshi let out a long sigh as he leaned back. "Man, all we got is fucking Famicom and no dates."

"Yeah, ain't like we can date Rock Man," Daisuke said, prompting odd looks from Ranma and Hiroshi. "I mean Peach." The other two nodded affirmatively at Daisuke.

"That stuff ain't the curse though. The fiancées are like my old man's fault, mostly, n' martial arts's all I know anyway. Nah, the curse does shit to your brain... It changes how people look at ya and treat ya. I mean, I like getting some free food, but the Nyannichuan curse still sucks."

Hiroshi shook his head, "I bet if Dai n' I had your curse, we'd manage. Hell, I bet we can show you that you're just whining and that what you have isn't even a curse!"

Ranma looked up. "Don't mess around guys. Ain't funny."

"We're serious!" Daisuke said. "If we had your curse, we'd show you how to live it up!"

Ranma set down his soup spoon and let out a sigh. "Wanna place some money on it?"

Hiroshi and Daisuke looked at each other confused. "Huh?"

"I knew it. You guys aren't takin' it seriously enough."

"Wait wait," Hiroshi held up a hand. "Fine, we'll put some scratch on the table." Hiroshi pulled out two 1000 yen bills. "But what for?"

Ranma counted up the cash. "This'll do." He looked up and said, "Heya, old hag! Where'd ya-" Ranma was conked in the head by a wooden staff.

"Son-in-law, you could stand to be nicer to your elders." creaked a familiar sounding crone behind Ranma.

"Yeah, well you come faster if I insult ya." He gave the money to Cologne. "I need to teach these jokers a lesson. Ya got any instant Nyannichuan in the back? I know Shampoo hoards a bunch of em, for some reason..."

Cologne hopped onto the table and walked up towards Hiroshi and Daisuke. She observed them closely with narrowed eyes. "I see... typical stupid little boys. Yes, I think I can arrange this, son-in-law." Cologne jumped off the table and hopped away.

"Wow, that old lady is creepy. Like a mummy." Hiroshi said.

Ranma shrugged while finishing his ramen. "Yeah, ya got that right."

Meanwhile at another table, Akane was stealthily eyeing Ranma as she ate shao mai with determination. Her own school friends, Sayuri and Yuka, were present, patting their tummies as they were stuffed to the gills on the pork and shrimp dumplings.

"Akane, can we go home soon? I'm pretty sure if I eat another shumai, I'm gonna burst," Yuka said.

Akane sighed. "Shush. I just want to see what Ranma is up to..."

"Akane act dumb trying to sneak." A familiar lilting voice said seemingly out of nowhere. "Great grandmother and Ranma teaching dumb school boys a lesson."

Akane jumped in her seat in surprise. "Ack! Shampoo! Don't do that! You're still on thin ice for the whole 'bombing my house' thing, you know!"

Sayuri and Yuka exchanged silent confused glances at each other as Akane continued. "And what do you mean Ranma's teaching them a lesson?"

Shampoo shrugged casually, giving Akane and her friends a smile.

"Dumb boys make light of Jusenkyo curse. Especially Nyannichuan. It true not bad curse compared to Maonichuan. Make _airen_ cute and sexy." Akane's face grew flush as Shampoo pointed that out. Shampoo gave Akane a knowing look. "But Jusenkyo no no laughing matter. Curse still curse. Ranma show them with Instant Jusenkyo."

Akane, Sayuri, and Yuka looked at Shampoo confused. "Y-You mean you guys are gonna give _them_ a girl curse!?" Sayuri asked in an excited whisper.

"Great-Grandmother making Instant Nyannichuan now."

"Ugh. That's so gross!" Akane said. "Bad enough Ranma has a girl curse. Now _Hiroshi and Daisuke_ are gonna prance around like that."

Yuka nodded in agreement. "Besides, what's so bad about being a girl, anyway? Ugh, boys always think they have it hard."

"Yeah! It's probably a cakewalk to have a boy curse." Sayuri said.

Shampoo looked at the three and smiled a bit as she walked away. "Zēngzǔmǔ〜 Wǒ yǒu lìng yīgè xiǎngfǎ〜"

Ranma finally drank the broth from his fifth and final bowl of ramen. "Ahhh. Yeah, that hit the spot." He looked at his friends and began to smile. "Okay, I think we're ready to have an interesting day." Turning his eyes towards the back of the restaurant, behind Hiroshi and Daisuke, Ranma saw Cologne come on by.

"Wait... What's gonna happen now?" Hiroshi asked, a trace of perspiration on his brow.

"Don't panic, just let it happen," Ranma smiled as Cologne threw the glass of water on Hiroshi and Daisuke. The force of water shot past them and grazed Ranma and, at once, the three of the boys at the table ended up wet and with a new physical form.

While Hiroshi and Daisuke were in shock, Ranma sighed and wrung out her shirt. "Thanks ghoul."

Cologne scoffed and replied, "Calm yourself son-in-law, you already have that curse, it's no more harmful than any other water."

Ranma reached over to some leftover hot tea and splashed herself. She noticed there was no change in perspective as well as a raised eye from Cologne.

"Hmm... that _is_ odd. Oh well, it shouldn't be permanent. I think. Give it a day or two."

Ranma slapped her forehead. "Why is it that even when I get one over on people, I still get screwed?" Ranma huffed, crossing her arms.

She saw movement out of the corner of her eye as she spotted Hiroshi and Daisuke try to walk out of the Nekohanten, but finding it difficult in their now oversized clothes.

Hiroshi was holding up her pants as, while Hiroshi as a guy was taller than Ranma, as a girl she was a bit shorter even than Ranma's present runty height and much more slight of frame than Ranma in comparison. To Ranma, Hiroshi now looked more like a sixth-grader in stature and figure than a third year high school student.

Daisuke meanwhile, didn't seem to change much. She was a hair shorter than before, maybe about Ukyou's height, had a rounder face and softer features but it was still recognizably Daisuke. The only major change was the shock of blonde hair and something of a change in figure, sporting a modest chest, but a small waist and very pear-shaped lower body, her butt in particular.

"Oh no you don't!" Ranma said jumping over and grabbing the two by the scruff of their loose collars. " I don't need people claimin' I'm 'spreadin' deviancy' and if I left you two alone you'd probably just be doin'... something people keep sayin' I do everytime I'm in the bath..." Ranma paused for a second parsing his own words. "Any—anyway, We're doin' this fair n' square and I ain't keepin my eyes off you two. Come on, ladies, I'm gonna run you through your paces."

Hiroshi and Daisuke looked at each other, slumping in their saggy school uniforms. They audibly gulped at the same time.

Meanwhile at Akane's table, the three girls stood as soon as Ranma, Hiroshi, and Daisuke left the restaurant.

"Can I get the check please, Shampoo?" Akane asked.

Shampoo flitted back to the three girls. "Oh no worry, on house." She tilted her head questioningly. "You busy chasing airen and new 'girl friends', yes?"

The three girls nodded. Sayuri said, "I don't trust Ranma to not lose track of those two and if Hiroshi does anything, I swear..."

Yuka shrugged. "I just wanna see them suffer."

Akane rolled her eyes. "Either way, Ranma's up to _something_. I'm not gonna let him be a weirdo out of my-" She stopped as the felt a splash of water. Akane wiped the water from her face and felt disoriented as things were thrown out of kilter. She heard tearing sounds and felt a bit of a chill in her body.

For one, Shampoo seemed much tinier than before. Turning to Yuka and Sayuri, Akane's eyes bugged out.

Sayuri was tall, just about as tall as Soun, if not a smidge taller. Definitely too tall for the girls' uniform as the shoulders and sleeves of the jumper dressed were ripped open. His face was soft, but the jaw and cheekbones and a sharpness to them that read as bishounen perhaps with the long dark brown hair, but definitely male.

Yuka on the other hand was a bit taller, but had the same round face as before, though the broad shoulders and somewhat wiry build clashed a bit more with the long light brown hair.

Akane looked down briefly and saw the top of her own uniform was tatters, exposing a barrel chest and arms that would perhaps dwarf Ryuu Kumon or Ryouga.

Akane put these pieces together and said, in a voice that shocked her for how basso it was at first. "Wha-What did you do, Shampoo!?"

"Oh, just think you hide better spying on airen," she gave the three a playful wink. "Though need new clothes. Especially violent girl. Brought you things from duck boy closet. Should fit okay enough."

Shampoo presented a few sets of clothing. Yuka put one of Mousse's spare white robe and pants. Sayuri found a dark button shirt and navy slacks. Akane, in a grimace, opted for a tight white t-shirt with some text on it and acid wash jean shorts he was pretty sure Mousse had never worn. Akane frowned as he was made to acknowledge the extremely muscular build of his male body, having to tug at the shirt on until it stretched over his torso and biceps. He turned away and, with something approaching fear, pulled down the tattered uniform looked down to put on his shorts.

 _Oh my._ Akane stood stock still in silence half-disrobed.

"You okay, Akane?" Sayuri asked from a distance.

"Soda can! I mean, yeah I'm good..." Akane quickly put on the shorts before turning to Sayuri and Yuka. They all quickly looked at each other for reassurance. While a bit unsteady, everyone seemed to agree they were adjusting for their new predicament.

Finally, Akane let out a sigh. "Okay, time's' a wasting. Let's go!"

The three young men, still a bit off balance, headed out of the Nekohanten.

Shampoo meanwhile began collecting their plates and cleaning the table of water with a rag.

"Oh, there they go," Cologne remarked picking up the plates. "I suppose it's fine for children to play."

Shampoo looked up from her work at Cologne. "Um, Great Grandmother? May Shampoo-"

"Oh, you'd go even if I forbade it," Cologne chuckled. "Just make sure they don't get into _too much_ mischief, child."

Shampoo jumped up in joy and ran out of the restaurant.

Ranma led the hobbling girls behind her down the streets of Furinkan. The two girls in ill-fitting Furinkan boy's uniforms got odd looks until they noticed a familiar redhead and then the look just became one of indifference. It was a nice day out and Ranma stretched out, as though trying to catch more of the sunlight on herself as she walked. Finally, out of tough, she turned back and, walking backwards looked at Hiroshi and Daisuke.

"How're ya holdin' up?"

Hiroshi sighed, "As you can see, I'm having some issues holding things up. I'm effectively playing dressup in my non-existent older brother's clothes."

"Yeah these pants kinda are flopping at the waist and there's a lot of room in the inseam now for some—ah yeah, that makes sense." Daisuke self corrected, causing Ranma to chuckle.

Ranma looked approvingly at the miserable girls and, with hand on her chin in thought, asked, "Where do people in our class go after school?"

Hiroshi and Daisuke looked at each other. Hiroshi mused. "I guess that new mall they opened in Hikarigaoka?" Daisuke nodded. "Yeah, that place is kinda trendy, especially after the shopping arcade in Asaka blew up."

Ranma looked away from her friends at the mention of Asaka. "Yeah... I heard 'bout that." She shook her head, "Okay, well that makes things easier," she replied. "Yeah, we'll go there. Let's get you ladies some embarrassing girly outfits and then we'll parade around scammin' other guys our age!"

Hiroshi jumped in front of Ranma, waving her hands and shaking her head "Wha-wait! W-we can't do that! There'll be Furinkan High guys! Well be eaten alive!" She felt her trousers falling down, at which point she moved to grab the waist again.

"Only if they buy us dinner first..." Daisuke replied matter of factly.

Hiroshi and Ranma looked at Daisuke.

"What? I'm not giving any of this away." Daisuke said pointing to herself.

Ranma smiled. "Dai's got a good head on their shoulders... kinda." She scratched her head. "Anyway, that'll give ya a taste of what I on the reg, especially in gym."

"Nobody asked you to play forward on the girls' basketball team," Hiroshi corrected, waving her finger at Ranma.

"It was just the one game! They said that I was 'faking the funk and can't slam the dunk' and then there was that ancient scroll Ryouga found that said if I could take the holy sphere through the ring I could get a wish!" Ranma sighed, "Why the hell didn't anyone tell me that holy prophet looking guy was just Wilt Chamberlain in a dashiki?"

The new shopping mall in Hikarigaoka was a bustle of activity. While technically an enclosed shopping mall with three floors of shops, escalators, and small restaurants, the large glass roof over the whole site as well as the open air design, made the mall feel more like an open air shopping center, along with a walkway to the nearby train station.

In a small room next to a shoe store, a meeting was taking place. The room nearly empty save for a small table in the center of the room and a row of folding chairs arranged in a line in front. Only the projected light saved the room from being completely dark. A hand clicked a button on the projector and a photo of the mall appeared.

"Ladies and Gentlemen. This is our jurisdiction." A clear baritone voice said in the darkness, reverberating in the mostly empty room. "We've been hired by the owners to keep the peace, ensure no one shoplifts and, most importantly, prevent this from happening again." A click and now a pile of rubble was projected.

"What the hell is that?" A woman asked.

"That was the outdoor shopping district near Asaka."

"What happened? Earthquake? Fire? Bomb?" another man asked.

"If only. No, this was done by the hands of humans. The worst sort of humans... teenagers."

Another click. Now projected on the screen were two teenagers one in a red shirt and black pants, the other in a mustard tunic and hunter green pants. They were engaged in combat.

"Come on, sir. A _fist fight_ caused a shopping district to be torn down?"

Another click. This time the boy in red seemed to be pushing a large blue orb toward a fishmonger's shop.

"What the hell..."

"Yes. And it isn't _just_ them." The man leading the discussion said. He began slowly clicking through various photos of different teenagers causing property damage throughout the shopping district as he spoke. "We don't have full profiles since they've somehow never been arrested or arraigned, but in order:

"Ranma Saotome, ringleader of this horrible _terrible gang._ "

 _Click._

"Akane Tendou, his fiancee and fearsome girl gang leader of her own."

 _Click_.

"Ryouga Hibiki. A homeless itinerant who may be on anabolic steroids based on eyewitness accounts of feats of strength and lack of awareness. Saotome's second in command. Exercise *extreme* caution."

 _Click_.

"Tatewaki Kunou. The only one who has made a dent in Saotome's gang. Treat as a friendly, but stay out of the way of his swordsmanship."

 _Click_.

"Ukyou Kuonji. Narcotics dealer with ties to the Aizukotetsu-kai Yakuza clan. He's known to employ the services of deadly ninja assassins to do his dirty work. Known associate and probable boytoy of Saotome himself, the sick bastard. Rumor mill says that Saotome consumes a whole mountain of coke supplied by Kuonji before he goes on his rampages of destruction."

 _Click_.

"Shampoo. A dangerous immigrant and possible Chinese spy. She can choke the life out of a JSDF agent in 20 seconds. Is Saotome's side girl, who according to the files, enjoys diplomatic immunity." He muttered under his breath, "Damn LDP..."

 _Click_

"Mousse. Another immigrant with immunity. Possesses multiple deadly weapons and has been seen destroying houses using nothing but a plunger and a bad attitude."

There was another click and a red-haired girl in a red shirt was seen running away from an exploding lingerie shop.

"Unknown. She seems to be related to Saotome's group, though intel doesn't know if she's his sister, a mistress, or Tendou's own side chick. She's just as deadly as the other Saotome and... if the rumors are believed, she may even _be_ Saotome, which would make him a master of disguise and almost certainly KGB."

A final click stopped the slideshow. The lights turned on and the speaker, a forty-something man with a square jaw, squarer hair, and donning a bright white gi over his blue security uniform, continued.

"We were hired with one purpose above all others. Keep these individuals from destroying the mall, by any means necessary. This is what all our training has been for. For the Honor of Martial Arts Mall Security, LLC!"

A chorus of shouts as similarly dressed security guards stood and raised their fists.

"Yes, Captain Watanabe, sir!"

Ranma looked over her work and nodded. She poured in almost a full year's experience with the curse and tried to distill the things that sucked most into one afternoon. This was the first of a long list of activities she had planned.

"Yeah... that'll be _just right_." Ranma said in a very satisfied voice.

"You're sick, you know that, Saotome?" Hiroshi squeaked from behind the sheet.

"Well, that ain't the first time I've heard that. Now c'mere, sweetie."

Hiroshi grunted angrily as she pulled back the curtain and raised her arms. "Okay, are you happy now? I look like a damn cupcake." Hiroshi looked down at the absurdly ruffled pink dress, feeling awkward encased in taffeta and lace.

"Not my fault you're junior petite, 'specially in the chest."

"Well I'm not supposed to-" Hiroshi stopped and crossed her arms, huffing. "I like 'em better this way."

"Really? Cause I see yer eyes when Shampoo runs around or when Ukyou's sarashi popped in Home Ec. after that fire at Akane's station."

Hiroshi narrowed her eyes and looked up at Ranma. "Well this suits _me_ just fine..." She looked around. "Anyway, where's Dai?"

"Ah, crap." Ranma began looking around the change area until she heard a curtain open dramatically.

"Ta fuckin' da, girls." Daisuke walked out and Ranma and Hiroshi stopped in shock. Daisuke walked out in a striped mini dress with spaghetti straps and white 8cm high heels.

"Uhhhhh-" Hiroshi tilted her head looking down at her bare feet.

"Dai, what the hell is _that_!?" Ranma yelled.

"It's my 'Fujiko Mine' look." She smiled and danced around a bit. "Damn, I make this look good, especially in the trunk." She turned away from Hiroshi and Daisuke, running a hand through the short blonde hair and shaking her rear playfully. "Whaddaya think?"

Ranma and Hiroshi's initial reaction was, to their dismay, to look at that region before their higher brains clicked and they felt a wave of discomfort.

"I don't fuckin' believe this..." Ranma put a hand on her face and sighed.

"H-How, Dai?" Hiroshi squeaked.

Daisuke shrugged. "I just thought what would I find hot in a gal that looked like I do and I kinda went from there. Also, I've had a crush on Fujiko since 'Pink Jacket'."

Ranma shook her head. "No, no, no. This is all. Damn. Wrong. Okay, new plan. Hiro, as cute as a little button ya look, go ahead and get somethin' a bit more reasonable. Daisuke, you're gonna hafta change."

"Hey what about you!? Why do we have to get a new wardrobe while you just bum around in your normal crap?"

Ranma narrowed her eyes. "Okay well... damn. Fine, fine." Ranma sighed and began scouting the aisles, muttering "no, no, no, that's a 'Yoiko' look, was this stolen from the dumpster at the Chardin estate?,no..." Finally she stopped and pulled out a white sundress, adorned with large peach colored flowers.

 _That'll do._ Ranma thought. _Usually this'd be a third tier 'fuck with Ryouga's mind' kinda dress, but it's a nice day._

Ranma looked around and took a straw hat and matching wedge sandals before regrouping.

Daisuke kept the heels, but switched to a jumper style dress with a monochrome flower pattern over a peach-colored button blouse and a large billowy navy blue beret, letting a small bit of her admittedly short blonde hair peek out.

Hiroshi was dressed in a baggy grey sweater over a maxi skirt. On her feet were leather ankle boots with just a small heel.

"Huh, that's a big sweater."

"They're all big sweaters! Unless I wanna go shop in the kid's section and look like I watch Creamy Mami. Also I'm freezing! Aren't you two cold like this?"

Ranma shrugged, "my ki keeps me warm, but like Dai n' I are also more padded than ya are, shrimp."

Hiroshi's expression darkened. "Rub it in, why don't you..." Hiroshi paused. "Wait. Why the hell do I care anyway?"

Ranma gave Hiroshi a smirk. "Welcome to my world, chicken legs." and walked to the counter to pay for her things along with Daisuke.

Hiroshi paused and wondered before yelling, in a screechy mezzo-soprano, "Chicken legs!?" and ran towards them.

Akane, Yuka, and Sayuri were walking down the streets of Furinkan. For Akane, it was weird enough trying to get his bearings. The world felt a bit smaller somehow and his balance as off. He wondered if it was the slightly higher center of gravity that was the problem or a certain new weight imbalancing his posture.

"Uh, you guys okay? I'm sorry about this."

Sayuri sighed, "It's fine. Shampoo picked a quiet day for this, at least. I'm not sure I could be seen in school like this."

Yuka smiled, "I mean, I'm just happy we're walking around instead of playing stalker. Why do you care what Ranma does anyway?"

Akane looked back. " _Because_! Everytime I turn around it's either 'whoops one of the fiances almost married me' or 'oh hey here's my new rival' or 'oh I'm not doing anything weird just dressing up as a girl again for some convoluted reason and you're not invited to tag along!' It's just... annoying." Akane huffed.

Yuka and Sayuri exchanged a glance, but merely shrugged.

As they reached the curb of a large intersection, Akane stopped and sighed. "Damn Shampoo. Where could the heck could they have gone? At this rate they could be halfway to Shibuya for all we know..."

"My my, what _have_ we here? Hey there, _big boy_ ," a voice said from around the corner, with more than a hint of sultriness.

"Oh no..." Akane sighed as her elder sister, Nabiki Tendou, walked up in front of the three.

"Are you a new martial artist and his tag-alongs? Or just a badly dressed boy band? I can forgive a lot of bad sartorial choices with that bod... well, for a night at least."

Akane's eye twitched. "You don't understand! It's—it's not what it looks like!" Akane waved his arms away. He looked and saw Sayuri put a hand to his face and sigh. Yuka meanwhile just looked amused, adopting a similarly relaxed pose to Nabiki.

"I mean, I don't blame her, chief." Yuka smirked as he commented to Akane. "You're pretty hot."

The middle Tendou held up a camera. "Oh really? And what does it look like then? I should take a photo for posterity."

"Nabiki, no! Don't you dare! I'll tell Daddy on you!"

Nabiki's eyebrows raised from behind the viewfinder of her camera. "I see... Well, someone is having fun and it won't be me." Nabiki gave Akane a grin and replied, "1000 yen for my time."

Akane rolled her eyes and fished out a bill, throwing it at her. "WHAT!? We don't have time for this. Ranma and his friends are running around as girls up to who knows what kind of things! We don't even know where they went."

"Oh my," Nabiki said, putting a hand to her open mouthed face and slowly drawing out a very theatrical look of shock before putting that hand on her hip and smirking. "You know, Akane, if the girls at school saw you right now, you'd have a wholly different hentai horde after you."

Akane stopped and blinked, visualizing the image Nabiki presented. She found her cheeks glowing red..

"Ah, I see you like that idea, Ms. Casanova?"

"No! I'm not thinking anything like that! Ugh, why do you have to make everything... _weird!_ "

Nabiki shrugged and put a hand on her brother's shoulder. "Keep telling yourself that. I wonder what you're gonna do when you find your fiancé,—oh, sorry, _fiancée_? Maybe find a quiet little place, say, a utility closet, and 'work out your aggression'?"

Akane threw up his hands and covered his ears. "Aaaaah! I'm not listening! I'm not listening! Just tell me where Ranma and his pervy goons went!"

Nabiki shook her head, "Always worried about deviancy... projection's not just in 35 millimeters." The middle Tendou sibling rubbed her fingers at Akane in the universal gesture for "money please."

"I can't believe you're exploiting me when I'm in this position, sis." Akane sighed and rustled in his back pocket before pulling out a 1000 yen bill.

"If I can be frank. You all look like dorks. May I suggest the new mall in Hikarigaoka? I'm sure you'll find what you need, little sister, or should I perhaps say 'big brother'?" Nabiki laughed, "Poor little Ranma-chan won't know the first thing to do with you."

Nabiki slung her camera behind her shoulder and walked off waving, "Pleasure doing business with you, gentlemen."

Akane looked at Yuka and Sayuri. "Hikarigaoka? You really think they'd be there?"

Sayuri shrugged. "It couldn't hurt. That's where all the cool kids go after school. I mean it's not like they could go to Asaka after that gas explosion or whatever." She looked to Yuka, missing the somewhat blank expression Akane took.

Yuka nodded. "I don't got any plans and I got homework to not do. Onwards!"

The three of them looked at each other, nodding. They began running towards the train station.

The food court in the mall was set up almost like a festival than a traditional food court, with two rows of restaurant options ranging from the traditional like takoyaki and yakisoba, to crepes, pizza, and Indian food. The small restaurants, while built into the mall edifice and had kitchens in the back, too on the appearance of food stalls and the employees, in turn, tried to evoke the feeling of being at a fun party.

It was only partially successful, though on a lazy Saturday afternoon, the mood was generally bright and there were more than a few business owners feeling generous as they looked at the middling crowd of mall patrons walking up and down the rows of culinary delights.

"Oooh those look sooo tasty," a sweet natured voice with a shock of blond hair under a beret exclaimed, as she looked up at the vendor selling dango and taiyaki.

"Oh, you have a good eye. Why don't you have one on the house, young lady?" The middle-aged man staffing the stand offered Daisuke a fish-shaped pastry hot off the pan.

"Gee, thanks!" Daisuke smiled and walked away, almost without realizing the extra hippy nature of her stride away.

Meanwhile at a crepe shop, Hiroshi ambled up to a man in his late twenties. Affecting a voice and trying out the higher end of her register, Hiroshi sniffled a bit before saying, "Gee mister, that looks nummy, but my mommy stole allowance to buy sake and, and *sniff* she hit me when I asked why." Hiroshi started rubbing her eyes as though she was tearing up.

"Woah..." The man blinked, confused. "Um, aw, look. That's okay, sweetheart. Here have a crepe. On me!" He smiled reassuringly as he gave Hiroshi a crepe with strawberries and whipped cream.

"Th-thank you. I don't think this will go towards fixing my broken home life, but I ap-app-appre- I'm happy." Hiroshi then walked away, rounding a corner to where Daisuke and Ranma were, eating taiyaki and a corn dog, respectively.

Ranma blinked. "Wow, I haven't pulled the 'sad broken orphan' con in like forever. How did you guys pull it off?"

"Dude, it's not hard to fool people." Daisuke said. "Granted, I got an ass that don't quit, so it's like another arrow in my quiver." Ranma blinked and suppressed a slight shudder.

Hiroshi shook his head at Daisuke before adding, "You act like you invented scamming people for free food." Hiroshi snorted. "Oh, pwease mister, my weawwy mean alcohowic mommy will beat me if she found I was eating something not fwon a convenience stoaaaaw..." and then gave Ranma a flat, dry expression, keeping it as such while she kept eating into her crepe.

Ranma huffed as she pulled out the corn dog stick out of her mouth, "Ugh, way to make a good thing unappetizing." Ranma thought for a bit. "Okay, then. Playtime's over, chumps. Now you're gonna pick up some guys."

"Woah woah woah, what!?" Hiroshi said, almost dropping her food.

"I mean not for real," Ranma qualified, "but you don't understand how many times I've had to play coy for a dumb guy. Ya gotta understand what's that's like if you wanna say you can do this better n' me."

"Humor me, Ranma. Why _have_ you had to pretend to be interested in men?" Hiroshi asked.

Ranma began counting off with her fingers. "Lesee, wishing sword, to try and help a spirit move on to the afterlife, to stop Akane from gettin' hit on, get Shampoo back her human form from a ghost cat, to get a sick kid take his medicine..." She threw up her hands. "Lots of stupid shit where the only recourse I had is seducin' someone as a girl and make them fall for me, even if I hated it."

Hiroshi and Daisuke looked at each other.

"Dude..." Hiroshi said in a stage whisper.

Daisuke nodded. "Yeah... I mean I sorta get what Ranma's saying, but even I'm starting to wonder..."

"Maybe he's right about the curse being weird?"

"Well, it's definitely messing with my head a bit, but like..." Daisuke asked, "are _you_ feelin' up to find a guy to date right now?"

"No! I'm straight as an arrow! You?"

Daisuke looked a bit uncomfortable, "Dude. Middle school camping trip?"

Hiroshi nodded. "Oh yeah, sorry man."

Daisuke shrugged. " 's cool. That was a long time ago. Sorry again about your sleeping bag, by the way."

Ranma coughed. "If you're done? Let's see you dopes play along and rope some guys in."

"What about you?" Daisuke asked.

"Hey, when you go on a date with Kunou to get a wishing sword, then we'll talk. I've done plenty of fake dates ta last me a lifetime!" Ranma looked at the two of them. "Just go, chat up any guy that looks like an easy mark, and bring me back somethin' that shows ya did it. Ya know, like a present they got ya or their wallet or whatever."

Daisuke shrugged, "Sure. I get it. We commit petty theft on someone too blind by our tits or whatever and get something for our time."

Ranma blinked, "I mean... ya don't gotta put it like that."

"Why not? It's just a con job when you boil it down. Pretend you're something you're not, make someone happy a second, give 'em a show and then walk away robbing them blind, right?" Daisuke leaned down on her heels to look eye to eye with Ranma.

For her part the redhead looked a bit scared, "Gee, Dai, when ya put it like that, ya sound like the way my old man talks..."

"Well, the apple doesn't fall far off the tree, does it? Or is there more to it than simple artful dodging?"

Ranma struggled to answer a moment, trying but failing to stammer a response.

"Okay, I'm bored now." Hiroshi declared as she stood. "I'll see you jerks later." Ranma was too distracted to say anything as Hiroshi strolled off on her heeled boots.

After a moment Daisuke let out a laugh and put a hand to Ranma's shoulder.

"I'm just fuckin' with you, Saotome. It's just a game, right? Not like you get anything out of it other than a snack or some cash, huh?" Daisuke gave Ranma a knowing look. "I'll see ya later, before they close. I'll bring back some spoils of war. Might even be fun." She gave Ranma a wink and strutted away from the food court.

Hiroshi looked around. What the hell was she supposed to do to 'lure' a guy, especially when she felt like a little kid in this body? "This is stupid. All the guys our age look dumb and only a creepy pedo is gonna come up to talk to me. Sigh.." Hiroshi sat and pulled out a book to read.

"Oh, Kobo Abe. I love his work."

Hiroshi looked up and saw a young man. He was tall with long black hair tied back in a low ponytail. His face was oval, with a slightly angular jawline, but there was an effeminate softness otherwise. His eyes, however, seemed familiar though Hiroshi couldn't place them. His clothes were a little formal, a dark red button shirt with slightly too long sleeves and navy slacks and black sneakers. _Better dressed than I usually am,_ Hiroshi thought approvingly.

"I, uh, just started reading him. I heard _The Woman in the Dunes_ is his best work so..."

Hiroshi started feeling nervous. Was this what Ranma was talking about? Social interaction was weird enough normally. Daisuke was his best friend by virtue of being his oldest friend these days, having known each other since Daisuke transferred during 5th grade. Ranma was his only other friend by virtue of the fact that he was somehow one of the least judgy people he knew. Aside from the weirdness that happened around him—like today's bet—that turned away most of the Furinkan population, Hiroshi found that, as long as you weren't pushy about how he lived his life, Ranma was pretty nice.

There was only ever one other person Hiroshi had never felt weird around in his life. Yet, somehow, over time it _had_ become weird between them and, by Hiroshi's reckoning, they hadn't really spoken much in three years. So now being faced with conversation and interest from someone else _as_ , outwardly at least, someone else, Hiroshi found herself both apprehensive and being sucked in as the man spoke in a soft light baritone voice.

"Yeah, I was super into _The Ark Sakura_ when it came out. There was something somehow sad and vulnerable about the protagonist, even though he was unlikeable as a person," the young man remarked wistfully, putting a hand to his chin thinking about what else to say. "I heard Abe was starting a new book, but it'll be a few years before it comes out."

As Hiroshi's eyes tracked the young man talking to her, she found herself... she didn't know the feeling. It was a kind of floaty feeling; the best way she could verbalize it was "letting go." She felt okay letting go a little and after a second she closed the book. Maybe this was worth looking into. Was this why Daisuke was acting so out there?

Hiroshi stood and gave a light bow. "I'm Hi-" Hiroshi paused and cursed herself. "Um, I'm Hiro-ko?" she supplied, testing the word on her tongue. The man for his part looked a bit confused but nodded.

"Cute. I'm Sa.. Sadahiko."

"Okay, maybe you can tell me more about Kobo Abe. Do you read any Murakami? I just finished _Hardboiled Wonderland and the End of the World._ "

Sadahiko led the two down one arm of the mall towards a bookstore.

Ranma looked on distantly, crouching behind a bush and said, "Huh... never thought about the bookish approach. I'll hafta put that in my repertoire if I gotta get one over on any nerds." She shuddered at the thought of having to use seduction on someone like Gosunkugi.

Ranma then she recalled Daisuke's parting words and her expression hardened. There was something so galling about how much confidence she had when she'd barely been cursed more than a few hours. It was weird, but Ranma couldn't figure out why, or why thinking about it was making her feel weird, as well.

That train of thought ended when Ranma felt a looming presence over her. She was surprised by how close it got before her senses ticked, but that aura of angry ki was eerily familiar.

"Rrrrrrranmmmmmaaaaaa." A tall, muscular man with medium short black hair said, his voice grumbling. His hair seemed to twitch within the electricity of his ki.

"Ah, hell." Ranma turned to face the man behind him, but as she was still crouched low, she came face to face with something that made her face go ashen.

 _That's a damn daikon in there!_ Ranma thought as she looked at the jean shorts before looking up, past the strongly built trunk and chest barely contained by a stretched out white cotton T-shirt, and seeing a strangely familiar hairstyle on the strongly featured masculine face, Ranma's brain began to break. Ranma briefly thought the young man looked a bit like Ryu Kumon on steroids before she finally yelled at him.

"Ack! I-uh- um-who..." Ranma tried fluttering her eyes at the man, but only saw the anger envelop the young man. The face was unfamiliar, but the specific type of anger he felt was well-worn. Looking around unsure what to do, Ranma saw two security guards in uniforms and... white karate dougis? Ranma's brain was overloaded from so much information to process, so she defaulted to a variant of the secret technique.

"Get your hands offa me, you creep! Help! Police! Police!" Ranma yelled out. The man in front of her looked confused, and then panicked as the mall cops turned to face him and Ranma.

"No wait, Ranma! You don't-"

"Help! Help!" Ranma yelled at the mall cops, waving her arms hysterically. "This evil _evil_ brute is trying to abduct me and do _who knows_ what to my nubile virginal body!"

The security team quickly went to their position, surrounding the black haired young man. In a second, Ranma took a step back, then another, and before the young man knew it, Ranma had disappeared into the mall as he was now being pestered with questions by the security guards and lectured harshly against frightening young women.

Ranma chuckled. "Showed him. Trying ta sneak up on me like Akane. Getting all rumbly angry like Akane. Having that ear length bob like Akane..." Ranma slowed down. "Callin' me 'Ranma' like... wait, that couldn't've been..." She then remembered the first thing about the man she saw.

"No way that's Akane!"

* * *

I expect a few pitchforks for all the ascended extras here, but take it in stride, put on some 80s power pop and pop punk, and enjoy yourself.

Thanks to enpassant and RDavidson for reading and copyediting and providing notes.

This is a short series that, unlike the rest of my work, everything has been written and it is all about 95% copyedited. Expect the next chapter sometime next week.

～裏には裏がある


	2. Act II: Mallrats

Act II: Mallrats

* * *

In the control room, Captain Watanabe looked down at his watch. 2:30. This was the time when trouble would start for sure. The local high schools technically let out the hour before on Saturdays, but the snotty ones were doing extracurriculars and the punks always took their time. No, it would about now when things began to get interesting.

 _Right on cue._ Watanabe thought as he got a beep on the radio.

"Watanabe here."

"Sir. We got a disturbance. Some argument between a teenage boy and a girl. The girl yelled she was in trouble. We surrounded the boy but the girl in question ran off scared. What should we do?"

Watanabe thought a second. "What did the girl look like? Was she uniformed?"

"No sir. Casual clothes. Fair skin, red hair. About 150 centimeters give or take."

He blinked as he painted the picture in his mind's eye. "Wait. Where are you?" Watanabe began looking towards a bank of monitors that covered the wall in the back of the room.

"Concourse B on Level 2, near the shoe store."

"Hold on a moment."

Captain Watanabe scanned the various screens, displaying different areas of the mall like he wa reading a book. He saw the area indicated on a monitor labeled "B-12"

"Gunma. Punch up the feed from camera twelve from the last ten minutes or so on my desk."

"Yes sir!" The subordinate yelled as he began typing on a large keyboard.

Watanabe fiddled in his pockets for a cigarette and lit it as the footage was brought up on a monitor at his fancy oak veneered Formica desk. The last ten minutes of footage from that camera played back in at double speed. He saw nothing, then a girl in a dress skulking and crouching down behind some bushes. Then after a moment a man approached her from behind. The girl turned and looked startled before yelling something inaudible to the video-only camera feed.

"Hold!"

The footage stopped and Watanabe noted the single braided pigtail on the girl. Watanabe took a long drag on his cigarette before taking it and tapping the ashes on the blue low pile carpet.

"Got ya."

Watanabe grabbed his radio. "Okay. Bring the boy in and sound the alarm. We're at Saotome Alert 3. This is not a drill!"

Inside the control room, a red light flashed and a loud klaxon blared. So loud in fact, Captain Watanabe dropped his radio and cupped his ears.

"Turn that klaxon off, Gunma!"

"WHAAAT?"

"TURN IT OFF!"

The klaxon stopped, as did the light. Watanabe stood and picked up his radio and cigarette and straightened his dougi and tie.

"Okay... Silent alarm going forward. Bring that boy to interrogation! And send a patrol to find and tail the girl" Watanabe took a last drag of his bent cigarette before discarding the butt on the scorched carpet by his desk. He whispered to himself. "When the rats come to play, Saotome can't be too far away..."

* * *

Daisuke walked around the third floor of the wall. She looked down and saw a small altercation with mall security, but it didn't really pique much interest. She wasn't looking ahead when she bumped into someone.

"Oh, sorry!"

"Sorry," the voice said, in a lightly pitched tenor. Daisuke took a step back and saw a man in a Chinese robe and navy pants and shoes similar to what Ranma normally wore. She looked up at the face and after a second, it was as though Daisuke felt something click in her mind.

"Suzuki?"

The man blinked and looked at the woman and her outfit. He looked at Daisuke's face for a second before he expression went flat again.

"Takahashi. I might have guessed. You look like Debbie Harry," Yuka said dryly.

"Thanks!" Daisuke replied, smiling at him. "You look like the 'boke' in a comedy duo."

Yuka shrugged. "Whatever. As long as I look normal enough."

Daisuke looked at Yuka oddly a second before leaning towards Yuka. "Well, why don't we hang out a while? Saotome had some idea about 'picking up' guys from our school to relive trauma or something? But I'd rather just walk around a while. What about you?"

Yuka sighed. "Akane is trying to find Ranma and stop her from doing... whatever it is you knuckleheads are doing."

"What, shopping for outfits and eating food? They got some good taiyaki back at the food court."

"Ugh, don't even talk to me about food right now. I'm still stuffed from the fucking Nekohanten..."

"Well? How about it. Let's hang out a bit."

Daisuke danced around Yuka as they passed by a clothes shop.

"This a good place?"

"I dunno. I don't shop much."

"What about that place over there? That looks fun." Daisuke pointed at a newsstand. Yuka shrugged.

Yuka browsed the newspapers as Daisuke read through the magazines.

"This one any good?" she asked, holding up an issue of _Nonno_.

"Uh, I think my older sister reads that one."

Daisuke put it back before picking up a _CanCam_.

"This one any better?"

Yuka narrowed an eye. "Why do you care?"

Daisuke, "Cause it looks fun." Daisuke looked at Yuka, whose interest had turned back to news magazines. She went and picked up the fashion magazine, along with some weekly manga and an issue of _Hobby Japan._

Daisuke then walked to Yuka, who had taken to standing around, flipping a 10 yen coin in her hand.

"Is there something you wanna do?"

"At the mall? Nothing much. Not my scene."

"Well you may be full, but maybe you can buy me a treat?" Daisuke leaned towards Yuka and batted her eyelashes.

Yuka turned away and started walking. "Use your own damn money, Takahashi."

Daisuke followed Yuka for a bit. She swore she could hear arguing, but it was distant. By the time they reached one end of the mall, near the movie theater that anchored the establishment, Daisuke finally stopped in front of Yuka, poking at finger at his chest.

"What's your problem, Suzuki? Why aren't you having fun?" she asked.

Yuka sighed. "And how do you suppose I should have fun? What do _you_ do for fun normally?"

Daisuke thought a bit. "I dunno. Hang out with Hiroshi. Video games. I like making model Gundams when I'm at home. Those're neat."

"Just what do you think _I_ do normally?"

Daisuke thought a moment. Her voice sounded matter of fact, like she was remembering an encyclopedia entry. "Shopping for clothes, hang out with friends? Some other social thing?"

Yuka sighed. "And what about me says I'm anything like that? Cause I'm normally a girl?"

Daisuke shrugged. "I guess? I mean I'm kind of a loser, cause I'm a guy."

Yuka blinked. "That doesn't make any sense. If you're a loser, it's your own damn fault! Don't fucking bring gender into it."

"Why not?"

"Cause it's bullshit. Don't go ascribing your gender any more meaning than it has. All it means 99 percent of the time is so much..." he paused, making a face, "pants meat."

Daisuke added, "Don't forget the chesticles."

Yuka's face turned down into a frown. " _Please_ tell me you used that word ironically."

Daisuke smiled. "Would you prefer 'sweater puppies'?" She giggled a bit.

Yuka put a hand to his head. "But you made my point. We're still people. I don't _feel_ any different. It's all bullshit and I don't get why people are being weird."

Daisuke looked oddly at Yuka. "You don't feel different, _at all_? Like not even a little?"

Daisuke walked away from Yuka and settled against a wall between shops, leaning back and putting her hands in the pockets of her dress.

"That's so weird. I feel so different." Daisuke said. She tried sussing it out.

"Maybe being a girl is so much better, you don't notice the other way? I never felt so light on my feet before. Colors seem like more colorful. I just feel like in my own skin, but it's a better model." As to make the point, Daisuke straightened herself and began playfully dancing around Yuka a bit, flailing her arms all the while. Yuka heard the taps of Daisuke's feet and looked down.

"Are those heels?" he asked.

"I guess."

"How high are they?"

Daisuke shrugged. I didn't measure em... I guess 8 or 10 centimeters."

Yuka blinked. "How can you do that?"

"Do what, walk?"

"Yeah. why aren't you wobbling around like a newborn deer?"

Daisuke stopped. "Whaddaya mean? I'm a girl. Girls know how to do that stuff."

"Cause we're forced to learn how, idiot!" Yuka cried out. "Hell, I _suck_ at walking in heels."

Daisuke paused, clearly confused. "I didn't know. It just came naturally to me, like the other stuff."

Yuka looked at Daisuke annoyed. "You're a real piece of work, you know that?"

Daisuke shot back, "Oh! At least I'm not a spoilsport like you, Suzuki!"

"I'm not acting like some macho jerk stereotype, so why are you acting like a bimbo, Takahashi!?" Yuka raised his hands in front of her, and let out an exasperated groan.

"A bimbo!?" Daisuke replied, looking red-faced at Yuka. "I'm just being myself. I feel more like myself than I can remember!"

Yuka opened his mouth to counter but paused. Daisuke was confused until she stopped and considered what she said. There was an awkward silence.

"Unhand her, knave!" a voice cried out from the distance. Yuka and Daisuke looked down the hall towards a young man in blue hakama and keikogi. He pointed a bokken towards Yuka.

"What the hell..." Yuka asked.

"You do much distress to a poor fair maiden. She of great beauty and hair as bright gold as corn silk. You, on the other hand, are a repellant toad."

"What."

Daisuke looked at herself. "'Fair' maiden? I always thought I was a bit tan, to be honest."

"But alas, I do not suspect a strange boorish sort such as _you,_ " he emphasized by again pointing his wooden blade at Yuka, "would know as a figure such as myself. Tatewaki Kunou, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, and deliverer of salvation to all maidens in distress."

Kunou then turned to give his version of a noble smile.

"What is your name, fair one?" he asked.

"Takahashi, Um, Dai-" Daisuke paused as she groped for a fake name.

Tatewaki's eyes grew in approval. Suddenly he moved and embraced Daisuke tightly. "Of course, such a beauty of your hair must be of at least some foreign parentage to have such a pretty name as Diana!"

"Erk" was Daisuke's reply as she felt Tatewaki squeeze tightly.

" _Diana_?" Yuka asked, a bit dumbfounded.

"Fair Diana! We shall date!"

"We shall?"

"Yes! The very name and _manhood_ of the Kunou line is on the line! I will show you the ways of courtship, fair maiden." Kunou began turning towards to movie theater, Daisuke in his arms.

"Um... 'kay." Daisuke looked back at Yuka and shrugged. "Protip, Suzuki. Guys that have money get dates."

Yuka blinked and stared as Daisuke walked away willingly with Tatewaki Kunou.

"...wow. Okay, then."

Yuka, now alone, looked around and saw a sign for the restroom. "Well I kinda had ta go anyway," Yuka muttered as he ambled on. He stopped for a second, realizing he almost entered the women's room.

"Whoops. Not today I guess. God I hope the men's room isn't as gross as they say it is..."

Yuka took a step in and... nothing. It seemed about as clean as any public bathroom he'd ever seen. There were stalls, though fewer than he was used to and across the stalls, small porcelain tubs with shiny chrome handles.

"Huh." Yuka remarked, a bit confused when someone came up behind him, moving past and stood in front of said porcelain tub, and unzipped the front of his trousers.

"Oh! Duh." Yuka hit the side of his head quietly. He moved to the urinal and, after lifting the front of the robe, found the fly of the pants and gave it a try.`

 _Okay. Damn, this rules._ Yuka thought as he stood in front of the urinal. _Wonder what else this thing's good for?_

* * *

Ranma slowed down her run when she realized she was in a new part of the mall. The commotion had died down and Ranma slowed down to a walk as she took in the sight of shoppers walking around, looking at trinkets and clothes. Many of them came in couples, or groups of friends.

Ranma felt a small pang of guilt. She was here to teach Daisuke and Hiroshi a lesson and yet... _Maybe this was a dumb idea, after all,_ Ranma though as she turned around and ran into someone who was behind her.

"Ah jeez, sorry I—Mousse?"

"Oh!" The man initially looked embarrassed until he adjusted the thick, almost opaque glasses and leaned down closely looking at Ranma. His expression soured as he said flatly, " Saotome. Someone familiar... for once, today."

"Huh?"

Mousse stood and waved her off with a hand. "Nothing. Where's Shampoo? I've been looking for her since she traipsed out of the Nekohanten."

"Shampoo's running around here?"

"Yes! Probably to find _you_ , for whatever reason. Are you sure you haven't seen her?"

"Hell if I know! I just spent the last fifteen minutes running from an angry guy and for once it wasn't Ryouga, Kunou or _you._ "

Mousse suggested, "Perhaps it was one of your school friends?"

"Fat chance. Hiroshi n' Daisuke got Instant Nyannichuan'd. I'm teachin' em what it's like ta be me for a day, but we kinda split off. I was just about ta find em and—"

"I did not mean your cronies." Mousse interrupted. "I was referring to Akane Tendo and her friends."

Ranma fell back, finding herself flat footed. "Wait! What didya say, Mousse?"

Mouse sighed. "I didn't get all the details since I was... indisposed by my darling Shampoo. I did however catch some talk. It seems that your betrothed didn't like the idea of you 'being perverted' with those two friends of yours so she and her friends aimed to follow. Shampoo, however..." he paused for dramatic effect, though he was looking at the mall directory sign, "decided to have fun."

"What the hell did she do, Mousse?" Ranma said. She gulped, having a good idea what the answer may be.

"She thought a game similar to yours was in order. She splashed Akane and her friends with Instant Nannichuan and gave them some of my clothes." Mousse sighed.

Ranma thought for a moment before her face and she felt her stomach drop. "Y—you don't happen ta own a white shirt that said "I, N, X, and S" in English?"

"That's 'INXS', you uncultured tomcat! 'Need You Tonight' is awesome!" Mousse said defensively. "Damn it all! She took my band t-shirts, too?"

Ranma slumped down, her head spinning. She thought _So that guy really was... that—that_ thing _was._

"Ah, shit! I left 'kane behind with the cops." Ranma began to turn around. "I gotta go back!"

"Not without me, Saotome! I have to find Shampoo before—"

"Before what?"

"Before _you_ or someone else does something untowards with her!"

Ranma smirked as she sprinted. "Puh-leeeease. I got enough on my plate without worrying about what Shampoo is up to. If she's around, I'll make sure she doesn't get the cops' attention."

Mousse regardless began following Ranma as the two made their way back towards the main plaza of the mall.

From the glass roof overlooking the shopping center, Shampoo observed Ranma and Mousse.

"Oh, duckboy going to ruin too too much fun." Shampoo pouted. "Wonder where go..." She looked around, coming face to face with a confused crow who landed next to her.

"Shoo!"

* * *

Hiroshi and Sayuri, still going by their hastily made pseudonyms, entered a record store next to the bookshop. The mall was new, but the store itself seemed to make an effort to look worn, like a pair of distressed jeans.

The tall man in a button-down shirt and slacks going by 'Sadahiko' looked down at his companion, the petite 'Hiroko' and asked, "Do you like music?"

Hiroko nodded, but then looked away, a bit embarrassed. "I mean, I have a Walkman, though I just listen to the radio a lot. I used to listen to a lot of Happy End when I was little cause my dad had all their albums, now that I think about it. When I was like seven, my best friend and I would share headphones and listen to my dad's old records before _The_ _Ultraman_ was on."

Sadahiko raised an eye briefly, but smiled.

They walked down an aisle of LPs and cassette tapes under rock.

Sadahiko asked, "what about punk rock?"

Hiroko thought for a bit. "Oh like "Linda Linda"? That's cool."

A slight laugh from the other side of Hiroko distracted her. Hiroko saw a lanky guy, with long, greasy hair in a black band t-shirt in unreadable English and ripped jeans.

"That's barely punk! I bet you think Shonen Knife is punk."

"They are punk," Sadahiko asserted. "Besides, I don't think the lady asked for your opinion."

"Whatever, pretty boy. You probably only listen to shit like Akira Terao or Wham!"

"Hey! Yoshi!" a voice yelled behind the counter. "What did I tell you about harassing the customers?!"

The greasy guy shot Sadahiko a dirty look before walking away and out of the shop. Sadahiko coughed a bit and looked at Hiroko. "Um, you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm cool. Did ya find what you were looking for?"

Hiroko watched as Sadahiko seemed to looked surprised for a second. He turned back to the LPs, flipping through the albums until he stopped and an album from the shelf and walked up to the clerk at the front counter.

"Excuse me, can I listen to this with my friend?"

Hiroko blanched. _Friend? Oh shit. I hope I'm not getting in too deep._

The store owner said, "Yeah, use the turntable in the back. I gotta Y-splitter there for your girlie."

Hiroko cursed herself. _Yeah people are getting the wrong damn idea._

"I really like this group. Took me forever to get a copy of their EPs after I found their album."

Hiroko examined the yellow album cover.

"Fast...backs?"

"Yeah. They're a band from Seattle. They sound a bit like Shonen Knife but more up-tempo like Eastern Youth."

Hiroko nodded. There was something nostalgic as she put on the large over-ear headphones and watched Sadahiko put on the record. The music was fun. She repeated the band's name in her head to remind herself to pick up a cassette tape at some point. She also looked up at Sadahiko and found he was looking at her. They made eye contact for just a second before, embarrassed, they both looked away.

 _Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck._ Hiroko kept repeating in her head.

* * *

Ranma ran down the mall, Mousse behind her. They eventually neared towards the area where into... well it was Akane, after all. The idea was still jarring to Ranma. Yet, by the same token, she wondered why this was odd when seeing other people with Jusenkyo curses didn't even phase her these days. She put a stop to that train of thought as the memory of jean shorts flashed across her mind's eye.

"Ugh, I just gotta find her before more trouble shows up," she said, "Mousse! Keep yer eyes open for once and try and find Akane!"

Seeing Mousse run off., Ranma began going in a separate direction. Doing some very basic detective work, Ranma didn't find any sign of Akane, though the slowly growing number of mall security guards patrolling the main hallways was disconcerting.

"Is somethin' going on?" Ranma muttered to herself. " n' why're they dressed so... _goofy_?"

Ranma was about to turn back towards an escalator to regroup with Mousse when she ran into someone.

"Oh! Sorry, miss. I-" The voice, a familiar polite, but rough said before stopping, "Ranma!"

Ranma took a step back, already preparing a smirk to the young man in front of her. " 'course ya'd pick _today_ ta show up, Ryouga..."

Ryouga grew angry. "You bastard, you followed me all the way to France to fight me?"

Ranma pinched the bridge of her nose, "Ryouga, you dumbass. You're in Tokyo."

"Wait, this isn't the Louvre? Then what is that Dutch Masters painting doing over there!?"

"That's a Snoopy Calendar, you damn moron! This is a shopping mall!" Ranma threw up her hands. "Now get outta my way. I ain't got time ta mess around with ya. I gotta find Akane."

"Akane's in trouble!? Ranma, you bastard. What did you do to-"

"Calm your boots, P-chan. She got taken by the mall cops. I dunno where they put her."

"We have to find her!" Ryouga replied, worried. "What if she gets taken to jail? She's too beautiful and delicate; prison would break her gentle spirit..."

Ranma rolled her eyes, "Yer kiddin', right? Anyway, that wouldn't even be a problem even if she was as dainty and sweet as ya think she is. Shampoo got her with Nannichuan water so-"

Ranma paused, feeling a wave of energy coming from Ryouga as he let out a roar of anger.

"What!? You got Akane cursed!?"

Ranma held up her arms, "No-now wait a damn minute, Ryouga! It was Shampoo that-"

"But you let it happen!"

"I wasn't there! And, besides it was only in-"

"Prepare to die, Ranma!" Ryouga yelled as he ran to bum rush Ranma.

 _Bull-headed idiot never lets me explain!_ Ranma thought as frantically searched. "Mousse! Where the hell did you go!?"

"I'm right next to you, Saotome!" Mousse yelled as he stood next to a large gumball machine outside of a candy store. "Wait, where did you go?" Mousse put a hand over his eyes, scouting around.

 _Aw, fuck me,_ Ranma thought as she began to run away from Ryouga towards the open food court.

* * *

Akane's was blinded by the spotlight that shone in his face.

"Ah, jeez. What the hell is that for?"

"We have some questions for you."

Akane couldn't make out any figures as his eyes still hadn't adjusted to the light yet. He turned down away from the spotlight and saw a glass of water and a napkin with writing on it.

" 'Piccola Pizzeria'?"

"It hasn't opened yet! And we're asking the questions here, _boy_!"

A security guard leaned into the light. Akane squinted and looked at the man in the uniform and dougi.

"Why are you wearing a gi over your mall cop uniform? Aren't you sweaty?"

The security guard paused. "They keep the mall A/C at 20 degrees and our office is by the vents. I'm actually chilly sometimes."

"Kanagawa!"

The security guard next to the lamp gulped, "Sorry chief! I mean, 'I ask the questions here, punk!' "

Akane rolled his eyes. _Oh brother, these guys are just sad._ "Okay, tough guy," Akane replied in as tough a voice as he could muster, which, to his surprise, was rumbly and a bit scary—at least as evidenced by the beads of sweat forming on the guard's forehead.

"Ah! I mean.. Um..." The guard looked back, "What are we asking him about, again?"

"Saotome, you goddamn moron!"

"R-Right!" Kanagawa turned, "Where's Saotome!?"

Akane blinked, "Ranma? What do you want with him?"

"Ah ha! So you do know him! You just fell for our trap, young man! What are you, his subordinate? His informant to the Chinese!? Tell us!"

"Informant? I'm no such thing!" Akane barked, "Now let me go, I didn't do anything wrong!"

"Oh, so what was that about with that girl? We know she's associated with Ranma's gang!"

Akane tilted her head. "Ranma has a gang?"

Kanagawa gave her a smarmy look, "Well that is what we have called it. We're pretty sure it's some sort of Communist terrorist splinter cell whose main goal is to sow chaos, confusion, and fear in the suburban Tokyo populace for..." he stopped, his bravado left along with his words. "... reasons."

Akane put a hand to his head. "You guys are crazy. Ranma is just an idiot with more ego than common sense!"

Kanagawa leaned back, "Okay fine, let's regroup. Tell us about yourself. How do you know Saotome? Or the girl?"

Akane's eye twitched in a way she realized was the way he acted when having to deal with Kunou. "Saotome is... a good friend of mine and the girl..." Akane thought for a second. _Well this is basically true._

"The girl is mine."

"Then why did she scream for help?"

Akane laughed, "To distract you idiots. She was mad I was ruining her fun."

"Her fun."

"Yeah, she's just here to shop and spend my money. Nothing to worry about."

Akane leaned back, trying to efface nonchalance as he built his story. "Yeah, that's what she does. I'm her sugar daddy. She comes and spends my money, I get mad, then she bats her eyes and flashes her chest at me, and... how can I get mad at that little spitfire?" Akane continued, his vision going a bit hazy, "She has that cute smile that she thinks lets her get away with anything and when she gets close and breathes on her neck and smells so good, you almost do."

Akane's face grew red. "I get so mad when she goes and tries to pick up guys. I swear she does it just to make me mad and then when I yell at her, she gets mad and walks away, but she always comes back to poppa..."

There was just dead air in the interrogation room as Akane finished.

"Yeah, hate to see her leave, but I love watchin' her go. Know what I mean, copper?"

Kanagawa blinked, his face visibly reddened. "Uh, yeah, keep it in your pants, kid. Somehow..."

Akane blinked and realized what he said, "Oh! Oh, um, sorry, sir."

Kanagawa shook his head. "So tell us, when Saotome and his cronies are gonna get here."

Akane shrugged. "As far as I know, um, Ranma isn't around today. Just me n' my girl. You won't have any trouble."

"Oh was that the story with Asaka? That what happens when Saotome and his gang don't cause trouble?"

Akane stopped and looked a bit nervous "Thaat—that was complicated." Akane said. "Ukyou was going on about how she was losing her turf and-."

"What? Our files state Ukyou Kuonji is a boy!"

"With tits like hers!?" Akane barked a laugh. "Yeah, right!"

"So 'her' turf? Is Kuonji running coke and meth for western Kanto, like we suspected?"

"What!?" Akane yelled. "Ukyou is just mad someone from Kobe opened up a takoyaki and yakiosoba stand in Wako! So she hired Tsubasa to-"

"Oh yes, Tsubasa Kurenai, the veiled lady assassin of the 23 wards..." Kanagawa nodded sagely.

Akane was rendered dumbstruck. "Uh, Tsubasa's a guy. Like, really."

"Sure she is." Kanagawa leaned in more, poking a finger at Akane's beefy chest. "What are you all, masters of disguise!? Let me guess, you're a girl in disguise, too!"

Kanagawa laughed along with the other guards in the room, the derisive laughter echoing all around Akane.

"Yeah, right." Kanagawa continued, "If you were, you'd be the ugliest, muscle-bound tomboy out there. And you'd have to be smuggling a dachshund in those tiny shorts!"

Akane's fist began tightening and he took all of his willpower to remain calm. Suddenly alarms rang out and red lights flashed.

"What's going on?" Akane asked.

"Saotome Alert Level Two!" A voice in the darkness shouted.

Kanagawa walked away from the interrogation lamp before yelling back, "Oh? What do you have to say about... _this!"_

He wheeled a TV on a cart. On the screen, there was somewhat grainy black and white image of Ranma, still as a girl fighting someone hurling a metal bench. A second later and the person looked back. With a clearer view, Akane recognized the bandanna clad young man, currently dodging a chain which itself emerged from the sleeve of a third person, who had just entered the camera's view, his long hair draped behind him.

"Ran-" Akane paused, "I mean Ryouga? And what's Mousse doing here?"

"Yes, what _are_ they doing here? Is this some kind of reign of terror!? Tell us now kid, or you'll be in even more trouble than you're in!"

Akane looked around, unsure what to do until he noticed that, on the TV screen, Ranma was putting her hands together and mouthing something in a familiar way. Instinctively, Akane flinched as the screen flashed white. A split second later, there was a rumble from below.

"Guards! Stations!" a gruff voice in the darkness called out and the guards opened the door to the closed pizzeria and ran off. Akane was left alone.

"Huh. That's different. They didn't even tie me up." Akane stood and stretched a second. He then took on a fighting stance. "Goddamn it, Ranma! What are you doing _now_?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Ranma found herself leading Ryouga outside of the mall away from the small food stalls, but instead actual restaurants and fast food joints which dotted the exterior, offering casual diners beautiful views of Hikarigaoka.

That pastoral view was ruined as a young woman in a sundress and sandals sprinted down the paved walkway in front of the shops. Behind them a young man, running only a slight bit more slowly, caused the ground to tremble and the walkway to turn to gravel as he gave chase

"Get back here, Ranma! Come back and fight like a man!" Ryouga yelled at Ranma.

Ranme turned her head back, stuck out her tongue and pulled down her eyelid. "Oh, I'm sorry Ryouga, you'll have to take a raincheck. It's a 'Girl Day'!"

Ranma saw the walkway beginning to end and, to shake off Ryouga, turned and ran into a shiny new McDonalds. The various dining patrons looked on as Ranma as she quickly, but deftly ran from table to table, as though she were running on a stream by jumping on lily pads.

" 'Cuse me! Comin' through! Hot Soup! No peekin', perv!" Ranma made a point to pull the hem of her sundress down and close to her while lightly kicking the offender in person with her straw sandal, breaking his nose.

A second later, the patrons, dazed by the display of speed and deftness of movement, felt a slight rumble before their tables, bolted to the floor, fell over as an angry young man bull rushed through the, plates of burgers and fries exploding behind him like greasy fireworks.

She turned forwards to, unfortunately find the end of the foodcourt and a concrete wall. With a "Splat!" that echoed in the large space, thanks to the abundant tile flooring and painted concrete walls, Ranma slumped back on the floor, her arms splayed as she mumbled disoriented.

Ryouga walked up to Ranma. He looked down at Ranma's dizzy face. "No more running, Ranma! Get up and fight! You'll pay for what you did to Akane."

"Hold it!" A trio of officers said, with raised batons. Ryouga looked back, scratching his head and asking himself, "Why're they wearing dougis over their uniforms?"

Ranma jumped to her feet and raised her arms. "Fuckin' mall cops! Thanks, Ryouga. Just what we need today."

Ryouga yelled, pointing at Ranma. "I'm not done with you yet, Ranma!" The two turned to get through the assembled security team. The mall security moved to corner them when a scream was heard from behind.

"My darling Shampoo!"

The trio of mall security were bowled over by a man in Chinese robes ran over them and towards a figure to Ranma and Ryouga's left. The two looked at Mousse as he hugged... something.

"Oh Shampoo, are you hurt?" Mousse gasped in shock, "Oh, no! My love has been rendered speechless by the trauma!" He looked up at the sky, tears streaming down his face.

Ranma and Ryouga looked at each other confused. Ryouga, finally, let out a stage whisper to his rival.

"Is.. is that Grimace?" Ryouga asked. Ranma took a second look as Mousse hugged the friendly conical monstrosity.

"Stupid Blind Duck!" Shampoo said as she jumped down from the drop tile ceiling and kicked Mousse in the head. The force of the kick, caused the small statue to break and fall over at the feet.

"You killed The Grimace!" A small child cried out, in tears as she hugged her mother's leg.

"There there," her mother said. "It's okay! Nothing can kill The Grimace."

Mousse lay unconscious holding the lovable friend of Ronald McDonald as Shampoo sauntered towards Ranma, draping her arms lovingly around Ranma's shoulders.

"What're ya doin, Shampoo?" Ranma asked, her voice beginning to tremble as she spoke.

"What look like, airen? Have fun time with Shampoo, yes?"

"W-w-wait, but Akane is trapped with the-the cops and you Nannichuan cursed her, and-and I'm stuck like this right now so I'm a girl for the day no matter what!" Ranma replied, the last point she emphasized in a "and that's that!" tone.

Shampoo nuzzled closer. "I say recently I dislike girl Ranma? No, Shampoo like. Like lots."

Ryouga's face grew red as Shampoo rubbed her head against Ranma's collarbone and the visible decolletage of Ranma's dress She looked up at the redhead with wanting, hungry eyes. Ryouga felt as though his brain was going to melt and drip through his nose.

The young man shut his eyes and, with a cry of "You bastard!" threw a punch at Ranma.

Ranma went from awkward panic at the huggable Shampoo who was clamped on her form to sensing the fast moving fist, dodging at the last minute and noting the large hole in the concrete wall behind her that Ryouga has made.

"Woah! Cool it! You're gonna hit Shampoo!" Ranma yelled out.

"Oh, airen, you do care!"

"Dammit, Shampoo! Get offa me!" Ranma yelled, barely ducking a second punch by Ryouga. Ranma found herself practically carrying Shampoo as she ran along the order counter.

"Shampoo have idea to defeat Pig Boy, Ranma."

"I'm not murdering Ryouga."

"... Shampoo out of ideas."

Ranma dropped Shampoo on her feet behind the counter as she turned to fight Ryouga, who had jumped up, kicking the register to the floor with a warped "ka-ch0ng!" sound.

"C-Come on Ryouga! Relax!" Ranma said, ducking various side kicks by the angered young man, "Can't we, uh... talk about this over a coke and a smile."

"Raaaaargh!" Ryouga threw a haymaker at Ranma. "

"Okay, no coke." Ranma gave Ryouga a weak smile. "Pepsi?"

Ryouga spun around to kick Ranma with a roundhouse kick.. Ranma leaned back, using her arms to stop he backwards fall as she ended up in a crab walk. While the actual force of the kick missed Ranma, the wind his leg moved through blew the hem of Ranma's dress up a bit revealing high cut mint green panties. Ryouga's attention caught sight of the colored garment and stunned himself as he realized what he was looking at.

"Ack! God damn it, Ranma!" Ryouga held onto his eyes and nose.

Ranma smirked and pushed herself back up. "What's a matter pork chop? Can't handle a little glimpse of a girl's p—wooooAH!" Ranma began tauntingly, until she stepped on left behind double cheeseburger on a tray and her footing gave out from under her, causing Ranma to fall off the counter and onto the floor.

Ryouga, now recovered from being flashed inadvertently, looked down, ready to strike when he heard a whistle from the back of the counter.

"You too too annoying pig boy! Go away to farm girl or I make you Ma Po Tofu!" Shampoo yelled as she stood up by the soda fountain and placed a finger over the nozzle of the soda dispenser. She pressed the button and soda streamed at Ryouga, who was in mid air trying to kick Ranma.

Akane finally made it to the scene of destruction. Strewn across his feet were hundreds of fries that did not survive the conflict and a broken toy spyglass with the Hamburglar's visage on it. He looked up, seeing Ranma in a fighting stance as the liquid coming from the soda fountain hit Ryouga.

"Ranma!" Akane called out. "Stop fighting with..." The Akane's voice died in her mouth as he saw the effect of the cold carbonated beverage on Ryouga. In that split second, the veil was torn from Akane's eyes as Ryouga's clothes fluttered onto the order counter and P-Chan flew into Ranma's arms.

The little piglet began biting the red-haired girl's arms repeatedly.

Akane was stock still, speechless as he heard Ranma let out several small yelps in pain.

* * *

Thanks to RDavidson and prise-en-passant for pre-reading and copyediting!


	3. Act III: Shop 'Til It Drops

Act III: Shop 'Til It Drops

* * *

Sadahiko found himself led to a toy store. It was less the kind of toy store with small children and harried parents than it was a kitschy collector's toy store, with rows of still in box vintage toys from as far back at the 1960s.

"Do you often come to places like this?" Sadahiko asked.

"Sometimes," Hiroko replied as she walked slightly in front of Sadahiko, looking at the rows of toys and action figures, sometimes having to go on her tiptoes to see. "I have a friend who likes making models, but mostly it's nostalgia for me. I remember watching a lot of tokusatsu and sentai shows with my best friend when I was a little kid. Stuff like _Kikaider_ and _Battle Fever J_. She was a huge Ultraman fan though. I was always more into Kamen Rider..." Hiroko, without realizing at first, let out a few giggles.

Sadahiko regarded the openness of her high-pitched, earnest laughter and looked on, a gentle wistful smile growing on his face.

Hiroko reminisced, pointing at a toy AT-AT Walker on a shelf. "Oh yeah! One time we fought over whether Kamen Rider could beat Ultraman and she was saying he would win because he can grow in size, but I said Kamen Rider could tie cables around his legs like in _Empire Strikes Back_ , which we just saw together."

Sadahiko felt embarrassed, but hid his face looking at something on a higher shelf.

"Oh... how did you guys make up?" he asked tentatively.

"I think we stopped talking for like a week, but then we made up because we realized we were both being stupid." Hiroko paused. "I'm sorry for talking so much. I don't know why I'm going on like this. I—" She felt a chill for a moment. "—I feel comfortable talking to you. Like we could be fast friends, except..."

"Except?" Sadahiko asked.

Hiroko raised her head, trying to see Sadahiko squarely in the eyes. "I'm—I'm not—"

Suddenly a low, booming, almost God-like voice echoed around them.

 **"RYOUGA HIBIKI, I'LL KILL YOU!"**

Hiroko and Sadahiko turned their heads around trying to find the source of the noise. The two of them, along with the other customers at the toy store felt a rumbling at their feet.

"Is there an earthquake?" someone briefly asked before a loud explosion emerged from the back wall adjacent to where Hiroko had been standing.

"Hiroshi!" Sadahiko cried out. Before Hiroshi could even notice what the young man with her said, he wrapped her in his arms as the force of the blast pushed them to the ground.

There was a spray of plastic, drywall, concrete and rebar all throughout the toy store as patrons began rushing out of the main exit. Running through the opened wall was a red-haired girl holding something. Sadahiko could just barely hear her eke out, "You can Bakusai Tenketsu as a pig!? Fuuuuuuck."

Hiroshi saw black for a moment as she slowly came to. She felt a weight on her torso and she grunted in pain.

"Ah, are you okay?" Hiroshi saw Sadahiko look at her with concern in his eyes as he got to his hands and knees and started to stand, rubbing his back and grimacing in pain. The two froze and locked eyes once more. Sadahiko opened his mouth to say something when they heard a heavy footstep near them.

From the crater in the wall, a tall, muscular man in slightly ripped t-shirt and acid wash jean shorts stood. "Dammit Ranma, where'd you go! Get back here!" The man ran out of the store.

Hiroshi and Sadahiko looked at each other. Hiroshi felt a bit nervous, but safe being underneath the young man. Sadahiko gently brushed a bit of rubble from Hiroshi's cheek before slowly standing.

Hiroshi got up quickly and moved to the boy. "Are you hurt, Sada-"

"I'm fine, Hicchan..." the boy said, letting out a groan as he stood tall and stretched his back.

" 'Hicchan?'..." Hiroshi looked at the young man one more time, examining the features, and the look he gave her.

"Sayucchin?" Hiroshi asked in a soft voice. Sadahiko gave Hiroshi an embarrassed smile and nodded, scratching the back of his head.

* * *

There was heavy breathing a loud collective grunt as three Martial Arts Security LLC staff member heaved a large weight into the closed pizza shop currently being employed as an interrogation room. There was a large crack as concrete and plaster shattered and a young man slowly awoke. He sat up and looked around, before finding and putting on his glasses.

"Oh, Hello? Why is it so dark in here? I was always told that's bad for your eyes," he asked the security guards as two of them lifted him and sat him on the interrogation table and turned on the spotlight. The glass of water from before was still there.

The young man shielded his eyes from the light with his hand. "That's rather bright; is this a tanning salon? Is that why you're all in white bathrobes?"

"Quiet, you!" a middle aged man boomed as he walked in front of the spotlight, putting a foot on a turned around chair on the other side of the table from Mousse. "I'm Captain Watanabe. I'm in charge of security for this mall and I want to know everything about this terrorist plot you have!"

Mousse tilted his forehead before taking off his glasses, wiping them with the sleeve of his shirt, and putting them back on. "Sorry, I had some ketchup stains on my glasses. Now what were you talking about?"

Watanabe almost slipped out of his chair. "The terrorist plot!"

"Oh gods, there are terrorists at the mall!?" Mousse replied, concerned. "We have to do something!"

Watanabe smirked, "Oh a wise guy, eh? What's your name!?"

"Mùsī."

" 'Mousse'? Is that your 'codename'? What other aliases do you go by?"

"...I mean there was a Jesuit Missionary who said I could go by 'Moses', but then he pissed off the Musk for saying they were 'living in sin' and got strung up. So these days, I only go by Mùsī," Mousse replied matter of factly. "But why are you talking to me when there are terrorists that need to be stopped? Isn't that more important? What if they hurt my darling Shampoo?"

"Uh... we kinda broke the statue. Sorry," replied a voice in the darkness.

Watanabe glared back behind the spotlight. "Shut the hell up, Kanagawa."

"Aye Sir. Sorry Sir."

"I respect your little 'innocent act', but we know the truth. You're part of Saotome's terrorist cell and you all have decided to wage war on this mall for whatever reason. You will divulge your plans or we will be forced to... defend this place by any means necessary."

"Don't you hurt Shampoo! She is strong and angelic in her fighting prowess, but she's surprisingly delicate," Mousse pleaded.

Watanabe looked down at Mousse. "You Chinese nationals with your _ridiculous_ code names are running amok in free Japan. How you have diplomatic immunity is beyond me! That Chinese she-devil is pulling the strings in Saotome's absence."

"... what are you talking about? What the hell is 'diplomatic immunity'?" Mousse's eyebrows furrowed as he looked darkly. "Saotome was very happy to let his 'strings' be pulled, that seducer of women."

"So, you admit the girl _is_ Saotome? Not a double or a relative?" Watanabe urged on, growing excited.

Mousse just said, in a bored voice, "Yes, what part of this is confusing?"

"So Saotome is a deep plant KGB agent seeking to foment unrest to bring in neo-Stalinist-Maoist revolution!?"

"What in the hell are you talking about. Saotome just wants to steal my beloved. Right out from under my nose!" Mousse's voice began to flutter. "I was embracing her in my arms, thinking of the future back in _Nujiezu_ , raising a gaggle of children and teaching them to be strong fighters..."

Watanabe contemplated the footage he saw moments earlier. The Chinese agent sprayed fountain soda on Saotome's second in command and he turned into... something. He had to rewind the footage half a dozen times before he even believed what he saw. Whatever it was went deeper than perhaps run of the mill terrorism and he aimed to find out.

Watanabe looked at the long haired boy, who, slightly unfocused gaze aside, seemed adamant at narrating his pastoral fantasy life. He looked down at the glass of water, condensation dripping on the side as the heat of the lamp shone on both it and the boy.

In a moment of experimentation, Watanabe grabbed the glass and saw the young man raise his arms up before being splashed and, to everyone in the room's horror, saw a young white duck flap itself out of the robes.

"Aha! That's why you have immunity! The Communist Chinese are now using animals to infiltrate us so they can't be legally prosecuted by The Hague! Orwell was right! _Animal Farm_ is prophecy!"

Mousse merely flapped his wings, quacking in annoyance as Watanabe began cackling madly before addressing his subordinates.

"We have means to destroy this bloc of Communist filth! Come, agents! To The toy store!" Watanabe pointed towards the exit and the men stormed off, leaving Mousse to attempt to fly after them, only to run into the spotlight, knocking both himself and the light over.

* * *

Meanwhile Ranma Saotome was running down a corridor back inside the Hikarigaoka mall. _Maybe this is what the Running of the Bulls is like..._ she mused as she held onto a wriggling black entity in her arms. She felt sharp stings of pain on her arms as she jumped over a trash can.

"OW! Fuck! You asshole, P-chan!" Ranma yelled at the piglet in her arms. "I'm gonna leave ya ta face Akane and have er turn ya into sausage, ya want that!?"

P-chan let out an angry bwee.

"Well, take it up with Shampoo later. _If_ yer dumb ass lives long enough. Hell, if _I_ live long enough." Ranma looked back and saw what seemed to a dust cloud where, at the head, running with a focused, piercing gaze was Akane, his muscles rippling as he ran, threatening to rip the t-shirt that was already stretched out. Ranma let out a gulp as she kept running.

"Get back here, Ranma!" Akane yelled out, the panes of the glass rooftop seeming to shake from the echo.

"Akane, ya gotta calm down! Please don't go ballistic." Ranma jumped over a cart selling touristy shirts, stealing a white shirt with Tokyo Tower on it. Before the vendor could yell at the shoplifter, his cart was then trampled by the large man running behind her.

"Why are you protecting that lying bastard!"

Ranma panicked as she jumped onto a stairwell, climbing up to the third floor of the mall. "Cause you'll kill him, Akane! I don't want that on yer conscience!"

Akane ran up the same steps, breaking a few of the concrete stairs as he ran. "You're always defending him, Ranma!"

Arriving at the top of the stairs, Akane spotted Ranma rounding a corner around a small bakery. Akane, seeing the most direct way between two points, broke into a dash into the bakery.

Ranma turned around, not seeing anything until she heard a cracking noise and then, suddenly, Akane's yell could be heard as he broke through the wall of the bakery, causing a blowback of exploding flour and butter around him.

Ranma jumped back at the amalgamated brick and bread ingredients she called a fiancée, well fiancé at the moment. Even at what had to be ten meters away, Ranma felt uncomfortably close at the moment

"Rrrrrragh! This is just like that time with the Koi Rod isn't it?!" Akane yelled.

Ranma shot back, "Oh my fucking—Will ya let that go! That was just a dumb cursed object! I wasn't myself! I was all cuckoo-brained." Ranma began to run off again.

"That's it, isn't it? You'd rather be with Ryouga than with me!"

Ranma tripped onto her face for a second, before jumping up and running backwards. "What!?" Ranma yelled back at Akane.

Akane increased her running pace, "Admit it! You've always wanted Ryouga more than me! I've always been your last choice! Shampoo or Ukyou or Ryouga is more attractive than I am!"

Ranma brought the wriggling P-chan up to her face and gave the piglet a pointed glower. The piglet moved to try and bite her nose, but she conked him on the head.

Ranma yelled back at Akane, "That ain't true! Yer fine the way ya are, Akane! I mean like normally even with the flat chest and gorilla arms and the long toned legs you can crush cantaloupes with!" Ranma slowed a moment. "Not like I've been looking at your rock hard abs n muscles n' stuff..." Ranma muttered to herself, jumping over a parent pushing a stroller.

P-chan rolled his eyes.

Changing the subject, Ranma added, "I'm surprised you didn't add in Kodachi, too!"

Akane danced around an elderly couple on a walk as he kept up. "I wouldn't put it past you to have a one-night stand with her!"

"Are you nuts!? I'd die before the night is over!"

"Well, I bet you'd die happy."

"Yeah, from the drugs! Stop being jealous!"

"I'm not jealous! I'm just mad you always go off and get into these things and I'm never around unless i get kidnapped or something!"

"Well I didn't _ask_ to get chased by mall cops while Ryouga blames me for getting you cursed!"

"You weren't even there!"

"No I wasn't! Why were _you_ there!"

"I... I was keeping an eye on you!"

"Oh, now who's being weird!?"

"Well if I wasn't, I wouldn't be in your life."

"Oh, come on!"

"Bweee Bwee!"

"Shut the hell up, P-chan!" they both said aloud.

Ranma kept running, quickly choosing different forks to run around and double back as, somehow, she could feel Akane's presence slowly get closer. Ranma felt her chest tighten as she heard him yell at her in a forlorn tone.

"You always run around and get into trouble and—and flirt with guys and I—I get jealous, okay!" The fire came back in Akane's voice as Ranma could feel his ki heat up.

"I'm petty and jealous and I wanna break something when you do something stupid and I'm not around to be there with you when you do it!"

"Seriously Akane?! Ya know that don't mean nothin', I'm only playin' em for a racket."

"I see how you look at people, male or female. You're not always conning them! Not 100%!"

Ranma stopped and looked back at Akane. "Yeah, well, maybe I like it when you chase me."

Akane blushed and paused. Ranma smiled. "'Course that means I gotta run. No good getting the piggy murdered for no good reason." Ranma stuck her tongue out and ran off.

"Hey! Ranma, you little—!"

Ranma turned and kept running, self-satisfied with herself for using the secret technique in a small way.

That was until Ranma found herself cornered again with no easy exit as she ran out of hallway again.

 _What is this, Kowloon!? This place is laid out like a damn labyrinth!_ Ranma thought as she looked around and found a shop she could duck into. As she entered, Ranma quickly realized it was a shop selling teas. It had already been emptied of customers, though an elderly man was crouched behind the counter, his head peeking out above and confused by Ranma's hodgepodge of collectibles in her arms and her worried expression.

Seeing no other options, Ranma gulped and put her hands together and she gave the old man an apologetic look. "Sorry about this," she said before a bright blue ball of ki formed in her hands.

"Mouko Takabisha!" The ki exploded out of her hand and through the wall next to the counter. Ranma ran across the hastily made exit at the back of the shop, through a floral and herbal-scented spray. Ranma found herself carrying a much heavier, much more naked weight in her arms as P-chan was now a naked Ryouga.

"Ugh, it's like haulin' a gunny sack of ground pork..." Ranma said with a grunt.

Ryouga panicked. "Put me down you idiot!" He began flailing around, finding himself being carried bridal style down the third floor of the mall, the few onlookers who weren't actively running away staring dumbfounded. He looked back at Ranma and noted that, for one, her hair was still red and, for two, he could feel the ample softness of her chest. "Why are you still a girl?"

"Long fucking story! And I ain't putting ya down unless you want Akane ta _literally_ turn ya inta ground pork. Yer a bastard, but ya got caught up at a bad time."

Ryouga looked over Ranma's shoulder and saw something that made Ryouga wonder if he was witnessing the Hulk mid-transformation as the man full of rage and clad in ripped shorts ran towards them.

"Point taken. Where's my—" Ryouga got a shirt and swim trunks thrown at him.

"Best I can do." Ranma looked back, but the steam obscured her view. "I think if we duck in here we can lose her."

Ranma ran into an semi-ajar door, pushing it so it closed behind her. The door read "Maintenance only."She stopped, finding herself in a narrow hallway lit only by low, red lights. Finally setting Ryouga down, she took a breath of air as she could hear the sounds of her erstwhile rival getting dressed.

"Fuck that's over for now. You okay, P—ACK!" Ranma ducked as she saw a right cross attempt to hit her. Standing back up, she yelled, "What the hell, Ryouga!"

"You bastard, you never finished our fight! It's your fault Akane is like this!"

Ranma slapped her forehead. "Akane's 'like this' cause she found ya out, dumbass!"

"If she wasn't cursed, she wouldn't have reacted like that!" Ryouga replied. "She's so sweet and pure she'd understand if she was herself."

"This is Akane Tendo we're talkin' 'bout, right?" Ranma asked. "Ya know, the one that hits me in the head all the time?"

"Because you deserve it!" Ryouga threw a kick at Ranma's head.

Ranma ducked again and jumped over Ryouga, using his face as a step.,She looked back and said, "It's that's what ya want, Ryouga, come n' get me!" Ranma ran further into the cramped maintenance hallway, Ryouga in tow.

* * *

Daisuke was a bit chilly in the dark theater, but found enjoyment, and no small amount of warmth nestled in the crook of Tatewaki Kunou's shoulder. Objectively, it should have felt weird. Actually, it did feel weird for a few reasons. Mostly because when Daisuke Takahashi woke up this morning, the last thing he expected to be doing was going out on a date with a guy. Then again, given her current outfit and demeanor, it sort of made sense. There was a lot to process for Daisuke regarding herself and her current situation, but she had time. After all it it wasn't as if the film Kunou had chosen, the Japanese release of _Roadhouse_ starring Patrick Swayze, was a particularly intellectual film.

("Yes, yes. I shall have to ponder the wisdom of Dalton in his maxim: 'Pain don't hurt,'" Kunou had muttered to himself earlier in the movie.)

Above the very theater Daisuke was sitting in, standing on metal rafters, pipes, and air conditioning ducts in near darkness, Ranma Saotome squared off against Ryouga Hibiki.

Ranma knew he back was to the wall. Well, to a large and sturdy steel crossbeam. She faced her opponent who was coming in close.

Ryouga opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted as the sound of the movie leaked up to the space they were in.

"Prepare to Die." Ryouga blinked.

Ranma smirked and opened her mouth, only to be similarly interrupted.

"You're such an asshole."

Ryouga charged Ranma who in turn, leapt towards him.

Ranma got off a good kick to the head, but was frozen when she felt her leg trapped by Ryouga. Undeterred, she bent her knee, and, with a contortionist's flexibility, bent backwards until she saw Ryouga eye to eye.

"Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken!" she yelled, and began punching him repeatedly. Ryouga, trying to hold off Ranma, let go, taking most of the blows. Ranma turned in space and like a cat, she righted herself back at her feet.

"Ugh..." Ryouga took a second to recover his breath. "Damn you, Saotome. Because of you, sweet Akane is a man _and_ she found out about my deepest shame... a shame you caused!" Ryouga slumped down and Ranma felt the familiar sensation of heaviness swirl around Ryouga as he prepared a Shishi Houkoudan.

After a few seconds, Ranma began worrying as the buildup of ki wasn't stopping. The energy Ryouga was building within him was larger than she had ever felt, save perhaps the time he almost conjured a perfect Shishi Houkoudan. Ranma heard a popping, twanging sound and noticed some of the rivets joining the steel beams began to shake free of their welds, sending bits of hardened flux bursting outwards.

"Oh shit," Ranma tried to cool down her own chi. But now the lack of room made a spiral impossible. "Ryouga!" she cried out. "It ain't that bad, Akari still likes ya, right? And, uh, lunch? Lunch is like the best meal of the day? I mean life is great, right?"

"I've been lost in Narnia or Siberia or somewhere for six months. The highlight of my wandering was finding Pripyat. My only friend was a fox. He stole my money. I've survived mostly on soy sauce packets and rain water until I ran into you."

"Okay, eighty-six the pep talk." Ranma felt a cold sweat as Ryouga seemed to glow from the heavy ki.

Ryoga finally stood up again, his aura making him seem even more imposing than he usually was to Ranma's eyes. Ranma let out a gulp and thought _okay i got one last trick up my sleeve._

"Ryouga! Stop! What would Yoiko think!?"

"You won't fool me with trying to pretend to be my little sister again!" Ryouga rushed towards Ranma who let out a shriek.

"You don't even have a sister you, oh crap, Mouko-"

"Ranma! I got this!"

Akane rushed in past Ranma, who blinked and, with a roar matching Ryouga's own cry of pain, grabbed Ryouga. The two flared with ki as they grappled, the thin material of their shirts breaking apart revealing sweaty pecs and sinewy abs.

Ranma felt a mass of conflicting feelings over the drama of the two locked in heated battle: envy for not being in the fight, jealousy for not being that muscular, and a certain other feeling that she was too embarrassed to even name in her own mind that came from a different part of her anatomy.

Suddenly, Ranma felt a strong explosion as the mix of Akane's hot angry ki mixed with Ryouga's heavy depressive ki and reacted. That or the sound system's use of heavy reverb for the final shootout of the movie cause Ranma to lose her footing and fall on her butt into the catwalk.

"Woah..." Ranma mouthed as Akane pulled an arm under Ryouga's ribs, picked him up, and tossed him against a vertical beam. The impact of the lost boy on several inches of steel was that the steel beam bent in the middle at about a 60 degree angle.

Akane slowly started catching his breath as he said, "Damn, he's heavy... heh..."

Ranma, still a bit dazed herself, called out, "A—Akane?"

Any response was interrupted by both Ryouga extricating himself from the Ryouga shaped dent in the steel beam and the sound of welded rivets somehow popping out of place.

* * *

Sayuri ran down the hallway of the mall, holding onto Hiroshi's delicate hand.

"Slow down. I don't have long legs like you do!" Hiroshi pleaded, adding in an aside, "Why did I let Daisuke goad me into wearing heeled boots?"

Sayuri slowed down a bit. He looked down at Hiroshi. "For what it's worth, they do look nice on you."

"Th—thanks."

Sayuri and Hiroshi ran downstairs, heading towards the exit.

"Hold it!" A voice behind them called out and the two found themselves stopped at a large landing between the first and second floor. Sayuri could see bedlam as several shops were on fire, flooded, covered in rubble or, as the movie theater behind them seemed, threatening to pull the whole roof down on the whole mall.

"Freeze, you hoodlums!" a Martial Arts Security LLC agent said, holding a pistol in front of them

"Is that a water pistol?" Hiroshi asked, pointing at the edges where the molded plastic overflow hadn't fully been cut away.

"Quiet you!" The guard said, swatting her hand away with the muzzle of the plastic toy and aiming the barrel near her face. Fake gun or not, Hiroshi froze in fear. With a frustrated groan, Sayuri slapped the water gun out of the guard's hand.

"Stop that! What the hell's wrong with you to threaten a customer? Leave her alone!"

"That's it! We're bringing you—" A guard to Sayuri's left suddenly stopped speaking as he suddenly grabbed his throat. A second later, he seemingly flung himself backwards off the staircase landing.

"Kimura! Wha—" A second guard let out a yell as she too seemingly flung herself out of the stairs.

One by one, the six agents collapsed to the ground. Neither Hiroshi nor Sayuri could see what was happening, but they distinctly heard a sound that was either celery being torn or someone's neck being snapped in two.

Sayuri held Hiroshi protectively in his arms as the security guard directly in front of them dropped to the ground like a sack of flour. To their surprise, they saw a familiar face standing on the, they hoped, passed out agent.

"Shampoo?" They asked in unison.

"Dumb boy..." Shampoo noted looking down at Hiroshi. "Oh, and Akane friend! You two look too too cute. Maybe stay cursed?" Shampoo asked in a sweet voice, before she bounded off towards the end of the mall and the movie theater.

"Holy... holy shit." Hiroshi said out loud, looking far off.

"Yeah, I forgot how scary Shampoo is."

"Yeah... but i mean it really really is you, Sayu..." Hiroshi fell to her knees, her legs feeling weak.

"Woah! Hiroshi, are you-?"

Hiroshi nodded as she slowly stood, grabbing onto Sayuri's offered hand. "I think we better get out of here."

Sayuri nodded looking at Hiroshi.

"I hope—" Hiroshi said haltingly. " I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but... you look good like that."

Sayuri muttered something indistinctly as they gingerly stepped over the bodies and went downstairs.

* * *

The beam they stood on shuddered as it suddenly dropped about 30 centimeters. Ranma, still dazed from Ryouga's attack and distracted by Akane's feat of strength, lost her footing and fell to her knees.

"Ranma!" Akane cried out! He took a step towards Ranma but was held back by a hand.

"I'm not done yet!"

Akane's brow furrowed. "If that's what you want, Piggy." Akane turned around, ducking a swipe at his head by Ryouga. The downward force proved too much for the rivets holding the beam up and it collapsed under their feet. Ryouga and Akane found a higher beam leading to a rooftop door and in that second they jumped up.

Akane looked back however, and saw Ranma, still dazed, holding on to the collapsed beam.

"Ranma!"

"Don't worry, 'kane!" Ranma replied with a tearful smile. "Kick him in the belly for me!"

Akane jumped up towards the light of the now open exit and moved to face his enemy.

Below, in the theater, the end credits beginning to roll on the action movie, Tatewaki found himself a bit flustered. He was along with a beautiful blonde woman who was currently very close and, in both a demure and yet sensual manner, she approached him.

"Y-you're quite forward, Ms. T-t-takahashi," Tatewaki stammered.

Daisuke smiled. In her head she thought _god is it normal to feel like you're drunk on someone paying attention to you? It's Kunou the Blue Blunder and yet..._

"Well, I trust you, somehow," Daisuke said, unsure, but she let herself be pulled by Tatewaki's gravity as he leaned his head down ever closer to her. Daisuke closed her eyes and leaned up, anticipating her lips touching his.

 **CUH-RRRRRRRRAA-CCCCCCK!**

A steel ceiling beam came down squarely on Daisuke's date, burying Kunou in a heap of metal and rubble. Daisuke looked up and saw Ranma, covered in sawdust and a few bruises as she hugged the beam. Ranma finally relaxed her arms and looked out at her surroudings after having screwed her eyes shut and holding on for dear life. Ranma was a bit flummoxed by what she saw.

"Wuh—Woah! You okay, Dai?" she asked. Ranma looked down and noticed what, or rather who, had broken her fall. "Er, uh, he didn't get too grabby hands, did he?" Ranma asked.

"No!" Daisuke responded, looking annoyed. She huffed. "Tatewaki was a perfect gentleman and only touched me where I wanted to be touched." Daisuke paused. "Huh. I'm learning waaaay too much about myself today. Uh, Ranma, if I ask you about real cursed water in like six months, you'll understand, right?"

Ranma blinked, but thought a second before shrugging herself. "Enh, I've heard weirder today. Maybe you can pool some cash with 'natsu to buy some?"She slowly stood, limping a bit. "C'mon, let's get the hell outta here. I gotta go find Akane."

"Yeah I guess we should. I'm out of spending money, anyway."

Daisuke put an arm across Ranma's shoulder as they limped out of the theater. Just before they entered the threshold of the exit, Daisuke looked back as the slowly twitching form of Tatewaki Kunou.

"Is— is he gonna be okay?"

"Oh yeah," Ranma said, letting out a derisive grunt. "If Watermelon Island couldn't kill 'im, he'll be fine."

* * *

Having shot through the ceiling, Ryouga found himself at the roof of the mall. Across, the setting sun at his back, was Akane Tendo. The INXS t-shirt that was at a near breaking point earlier on was now practically in tatters from the burns and broken glass. The tight jorts were similarly ripped and Ryouga could hear tired breathing from his opponent.

Objectively, Ryouga was impressed at both how much muscle and height being male had given Akane. It clashed with his mental picture of the sweet and delicate girl. He'd pay back Ranma for the horror he unleashed, but for the moment, Ryouga was itching for this confrontation.

"Didn't think you'd like running around like a man, Akane Tendou." Ryouga said.

"Didn't think _you_ were nothing more than a pig, Hibiki!"

"Well, I guess we're leaning lots of things about ourselves today, huh?" Ryouga gave Akane a smirk as he kept his arms raised and ready.

There was a pause.

"Wha—what are you doing?" Akane asked.

"I'm waiting for you to retort."

"Why?"

Ryouga blinked. "I'm taunting you! It's a thing. This is a man to man fight now! Er, uh, right?"

Akane rolled his eyes. "I don't know about the 'man to man' part, but we're fighting, yes!"

"Then we trade barbs, get each other pissed, and then we finish the fight. It's simple Rivalry 101! I—" Ryouga threw up his hands. "Ugh, I never have to explain this to Ranma!" Ryouga yelled then began charging Akane.

"Shit!" Akane leaned back as he parried Ryouga's strikes. Akane knew from watching Ranma fight that Ryouga was relatively "slow", but given that Akane was also slow compared to Ranma meant that he struggled to keep Ryouga at bay, blocking more than dodging and feeling every strike in his forearms.

"Argh! Fight back! I thought you'd be stronger than this!? Aren't you mad Ranma did this to you? He did this to me! He messes everything up!"

Akane's brow furrowed. The blows he was taking seemed to feel less painful and enervating and, from some reserve of energy he didn't know he had in his gut, he knocked Ryouga's arms away and kicked him squarely in the solar plexus. Ryouga flew several meters back, landing on the corner of where several glass roof tiles met.

"Shut the hell up, Hibiki! You did this to yourself, you lying bastard! How long has it been? Two years since you sidled up and pretended to be a cute little pot bellied pig? For what, so you could find a way to ask me out? Are you _that_ pathetic?"

Ryouga slowly stood at that. His body took on a flaccid, listless posture as he seemed to shamble near Akane.

 _Shit, he looks more like Gosunkugi,_ Akane thought to himself.

"So... Even _you, Akane,_ cursed to be a man. Even you are aren't willing to damn the bastard that ruined my life?" Ryouga voice trembled.

Akane huffed, "Hey, I was willing to bite that bullet ages ago; this is just for one day." He flexed an arm, trying to stay warmed up as Ryouga approached

Ryouga then took a deep breath and his posture shifted, as though the air was reinflating his sense of persecution and justice. "Then my dear sweet Akane is gone forever and I'm all alone... No one can understand my pain..."

"I was never your dear sweet—Wait a minute..." Akane said, putting more pieces together. "Akari knows! That's why she's dating you! Does she have a pig fetish!?" Akane asked.

"Shut up! Does that mean _you_ have a girl fetish?"

Akane yelled back, "That's not a thing, moron! I'm just... maybe... kinda, sort of ga-"

"Shishi Houkoudan!" Ryouga called out, shooting a ball of heavy ki at Akane.

"Shit!" Akane's jaw dropped, unsure what to do. He had seen Ryouga use the move before, but never aim directly at him. His feat felt leaden and he was almost certain he'd be hit by the blast

"Mouko Takabisha!" A voice called out from... It took a moment for Akane to realize Ranma had slid under his widely stanced legs like a baserunner and stood quickly raising her hands and letting out a blast of ki that dwarfed her small frame. _Was she always that small?_

Akane turned back to the fight. Ranma was offering a solid defense of Ryouga, but not much else. He noticed as well, however, that while Ryouga was putting up a strong fight against Ranma, he was completely open to attacks from elsewhere.

Akane ran away from Ranma with everything his legs could give,.

"Akane!?" Ranma yelled looking at his right in between shots of ki

"Hold on, Ranma!" Akane yelled as he disappeared from view.

Ryouga looked around, "What the hell is this!? Ranma, you bastard! You interrupted our man to man fight!"

"That's my line! And I told ya today was a Girl Day!" Ranma threw another ki blast. Ryouga planted his feet to nullify it. As he raised his hands to summon his ki, he felt a surge of ki from behind as the Akane appeared.

"Your fight's with me, Tonkatsu!" Akane said as he rushed Ryouga, raising a fist above his head. For a moment, Ryouga was convinced the man attacking him was holding a large blunt instrument as both the fist and the Mouko Takabisha connected.

Akane looked down at the unconscious Ryouga, whose clothes burnt black and a large bump forming in his head as he twitched one of his legs.

Walking back towards Ranma, Akane saw that the ends of her hair were split and a bit fried, the smell of burnt hair present. Otherwise, considering everything, Ranma seemed no worse for wear. Rather, nothing a good meal and a nap couldn't fix up. As he approached, he saw Ranma's eyes grow glassy and her posture shrank back.

"Ranma?" Akane asked.

Ranma looked back, seemingly unaware that there were rivulets of tears on her cheeks. "Akane! I'm sorry!"

"What are you sorry for?"

"Ryouga n' P-chan! I knew 'bout it, but I promised Ryouga not ta tell ya, 'cause it's my fault he got cursed. I always wanted ta say somethin' but-"

"Ugh! Ranma. Hush." Akane put a finger on her mouth. Ranma stopped as she felt the gentle warmth against her lips.

Akane sighed and, with his other hand and with a very light touch, he bopped Ranma on her head.

"Let's face it. You're an idiot. I expect you to do stupid things, even when you mean well. _Especially_ when you mean well. I mean look at today, for crying out loud!" Akane gestured around them.

"-sorry."

"I'm still here, cheaters..."

"Shut the hell up! We never agreed to fight you one on one!" Akane yelled, giving Ryouga a swift kick to the stomach. Satisfied, Akane stared into Ranma's eyes.

"Dummy. I've never had this much fun before!" Akane slipped a hand across Ranma's small waist and he felt a strange ease to it. "Did you see how much I kicked Ryouga's ass with your help, dear?"

"De—dear?" Ranma asked, looking worried.

Akane gave a small smirk at the petite girl he was holding onto. Before he could answer, a squad of security guards, surrounded them, taking on defensive stances.

"Ah, crap these guys..." Ranma sighed. Akane bent down and gave Ranma a kiss on her forehead.

" _Bàosuì Diànxuè!_ " a high pitched voice cried out as a ring around Akane and Ranma exploded around them, sending glass and concrete and metal and advertisements for the upcoming _Lethal Weapon 2_ everywhere.

The lone remaining still-conscious Martial Arts Security LLC guard looked up at the top of the rubble and saw a violet-haired girl standing triumphant. In a booming voice that belied her size, she yelled:

 **"DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!"**

Suddenly, she felt a spray of water as she saw Watanabe stand holding a water gun.

"Has just been revoked."

He blinked as the girl disappeared and from a pile a clothing a cat emerged.

Watanabe also began hearing frantic, scared laughter. He turned and saw the red haired girl trying to run from the cat, who clawed onto her shoulders.

"Ca—ca—caaaaaaaaaat!" Ranma yelled as she ran around crying. Watanabe moved to stop her only to be punched away in the air by a stray arm flailing. Watanabe was knocked out cold as he slammed into a concrete column that had previously helped hold up the second floor of the mall.

Ranma's crying screams slowed down and, for a moment, it was as if all sound had left the world. To those present it felt so silent, they could hear nothing but their ears ringing.

To this day, the former security team members remember the haunting wailing that echoed through the now-destroyed Hikarigaoka Mall.

 **"RRRRREOOOOOOOOOOOW"**

Captain Watanabe saw as the teen girl who was also Ranma Saotome who, to his mind, was also a secret KGB Chinese Maoist agent slowly saunter towards him on her hands and feet, circling him and eyeing him as she stalked her prey.

His final thought as Ranma jumped up to pounce was _I hate teenagers._

Ten minutes later, Ranma, still more cat than human, jumped onto the remains of the Hikarigaoka Mall and scampered off. Akane looked on, sighed, and stood, brushing dust and rubble off of his toned chest. He used the last scraps of his shirt to wipe the sweat from his brow. After taking a moment to adjust what little bit of jort he had left, Akane began to walk in the general direction Ranma ran off to, softly calling out.

"Heeeere, kitty kitty..."

* * *

Hiroshi found herself sitting by the central fountain of the ruins of the mall with Sayuri.

"What a weird day, huh?" Sayuri asked quietly. He was twiddling his thumbs and he looked over to Hiroshi. Hiroshi was a bit startled at first by the sudden question, but then relaxed and gave Sayuri a smile and a nod.

"Yeah. I... thanks for back there by the way. I'm not sure if I'd've been able to get away from the rubble if you weren't there."

"Yeah, well..." Sayuri rubbed the back of his head. Hiroshi began giggling a bit and Sayuri looked confused, less by the display of girlish laughter itself then simply the fact Hiroshi was laughing after all of it.

"What?" Sayuri asked.

"Oh, I'm just remembering how you used to help me out back in elementary school with bullies. You came like a bolt of lightning, holding your mom's broom or just anything you had in your hand. I even remember you threw your Ultraman toy at Futoshi when he was trying to fight me in recess."

"Oh!" Sayuri blushed. "I-I forgot I had one of those." He scratched his head. "It was one of... the Kingsaurus sets, I think." Sayuri laughed a bit and looked down at Hiroshi, locking eyes with the currently petite girl and exchanging smiles. "But yeah, I didn't like seeing you get ganged up on. It was unfair and I didn't like unfairness."

Hiroshi nodded. "You always had a strong sense of justice." Hiroshi idly dangled her legs from the fountain, looking on towards the slowly darkening sky. "Then middle school happened and I guess things got weird, huh."

Sayuri replied, "Well you grew taller than me by third year and I guess it was weird to still like playing with action figures and reading _Jump_ so... I didn't think we would have much to talk about."

Hiroshi sighed. "I was trying out for baseball and you were in the literature club and at that age it's so easy to just fall in to those prescribed patterns. So..." Hiroshi stopped as she realized how odd it was for her legs not to reach the ground from a seated position. How odd it was to feel comforted by Sayuri's presence, even in this different form. She let out a soft, warm laugh this time. "This is pretty nostalgic, somehow. It was nice to see the old 'Sayucchin' again, even if he's tall as heck and more handsome than I am."

Sayuri blushed. "Well... you have a better waist than I do! And a cuter face."

Hiro smiled and asked in a surprised, but happy voice, "Really?" She stopped herself and put a hand to her face. "God, we're becoming weirdos like them, huh?"

"Maybe, but... it's fun, right?" Sayuri asked.

Hiroshi took a second. In retrospect, _he_ would say it was hormones or stress-addled brain or a ridiculous sense of nostalgia that did it, but at the moment, she looked into Sayuri's eyes and just leaned up and kissed him on the cheek.

"Wha-"

"Thanks, Sayuri. For being my hero, again," Hiroshi said quietly, her face blushing red. Sayuri for his part looked at her a while and stretched out his collar as he suddenly felt sweltering in his gakuran.

* * *

Ranma slowly awoke to the feeling of being petted by large, strong, but gentle hands.

"Huuuuhhhhwha?" Ranma looked up seeing warm brown eyes and a gentle, but undeniably masculine face.

"You okay now, Ranma?" the young man asked.

Ranma simply nodded and slowly sat up, moving next to Akane. She rubbed the back of her head, her mind still fuzzy.

"How-How long was I out?"

"About two hours."

"Any damage?"

"Besides most of the mall?" Akane pointed a thumb behind him and Ranma turned around to see a pile of rubble and a several emergency vehicles. "No. Most folks know when to run."

"Where'd everyone go?"

Akane thought. "I think they all went home, except for Hiroshi and Daisuke. They told me they were gonna spend the night at Hiroshi's place for a 'girls night in', whatever that means."

"Probably video games and junk food."

"You want in?" Akane asked. "I don't mind. I was thinking of taking a walk before I go home. Maybe find a gym and see how much I can bench press."

"Yeah, well... I'll go settle up with 'em." Ranma looked up at Akane. She found herself trembling.

"What's wrong?" Akane asked Ranma, with a faint smile.

"I'm a bit scared, if ya wanna know," Ranma said and she saw Akane wince a bit, "but also! I mean, I'm a bit scared I ain't—I ain't as scared as I thought I'd be. I thought 'bout this crap, ya know. Since that deal with Sanzenin, I thought 'bout stuff like..." She waved a hand over herself and Akane, "like this. Didn't think I hadta do more'n think 'bout it until Shampoo decided ta have some fun..." She let out a sigh before standing and pointing at the still seated Akane.

" 'Are _you_ okay?' is what I should be askin'."

Akane nodded. "I mean it was a bit weird, and I had to relearn how to balance a bit and the reach and height is different, but it's okay for the most part. Actually..." Akane looked away from Ranma, with a blush. "When you were sitting on my lap, purring, it... it was difficult to not move you or disturb you but I wanted—I wanted to kiss you."

Ranma felt her face heat up as she started speaking, her voice growing quick and somewhat manic. "Well I mean, if it's you, it's okay. I mean! It ain't like I'm tryin' ta be weird and I ain't ready ta say let's get hitched for real this time or anythin' or about what kinds of people I think are cute like _generally_ , but..." Ranma took a deep breath. "If ya wanted ta, you know, Akane, like whenever ya want ta... I—I'd be... I'd be cool with that. Like, if you wanted to n' all, I ain't tryin' ta make ya or nothin' and-."

Ranma paused as Akane stood in front of her. Again the petite redhead was struck by just how much taller Akane was then her like this. She felt a need to stand on her tiptoes as Akane leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"I understand, dumbass. I like you, too."

Ranma froze for a moment as she heard the words she had been trying to run circles around saying, but, for once, Akane seemed to understand and she rested against him for a while, the sun setting behind them.

* * *

Thanks for going on this crazy ride! Hold on though, we have some Epilogue Scenes on the way so we're not quite done with these 1989 Mallrats yet.

Thanks again to RDavidson and prise_en_passant for pre-reading and copyediting. Thanks to the Ranma Discord for putting up with my queer nonsense.


	4. Epilogue

Content warning: Slightly higher than Teen rated depictions of sex. Nothing explicit, but there is some getting it on implied.

* * *

Epilogue

The clock struck nine as Ranma, Hiroshi, and Daisuke sat in front of the large television set in Hiroshi's living room. Ranma was back in her Chinese clothes, but Hiroshi and Daisuke were still in their outfits from the shopping trip. Hiroshi was focused on the game, pressing buttons on the small red controller. Daisuke was looking through the magazines she bought, currently paging through a copy of _CanCam_. Ranma was just looking at the two, and after twenty minutes of silence, came to a realization.

"Okay, okay, you're right. You guys win. This ain't so bad," Ranma admitted as she flopped back onto the living room floor. "Still can't believe an ancient Chinese curse ain't the worst part of my damn life..."

"Well I mean, it's just being human," Hiroshi said as she kept playing Metroid. "And I mean who cares what you look like when you can kick their butt or outsmart them?"

"Yeah. Besides, guys are suckers," Daisuke said, as she turned the pages of a gunpla hobbyist magazine. "Even when they're Yuka Suzuki and Sayuri Satou."

Ranma chuckled as she sat up finally. "Maybe..." She looked wistful until she looked at the screen again and blinked in surprise. "Woah! What's that?"

"Mother Brain. I need to hit her with a bunch of missiles and freeze the rings so they don't hit me." Hiroshi fired on the final boss for what seemed like a long time before the screen flashed. As Mother Brain exploded, she moved Samus Aran past Mother Brain's jar and up the long vertical corridor to escape the planet. Ranma was rapt as Hiroshi jumped up the cavern with a quick speed before hitting the elevator.

"Done! And with time to spare!" Hiroshi said with a smile. She turned and pointed out the TV to Ranma. "Watch. There's a surprise for you."

Ranma looked at the screen as the armored fighter Hiroshi had controlled changed clothes to a pink leotard and boots and showed off long brown hair.

"She's a woman?"

"Yep. Samus is pretty neat. I've beaten this game like a dozen times, but I thought you'd find it cool, Ranma."

The redhead nodded to Hiroshi. "Yeah, that's cool. That's a Famicom, right?"

Hiroshi nodded as she switched the cartridge to _Contra_ and gave Ranma a controller.

"Gee..." Ranma muttered as she immediately died on the first level. "I wonder how many photo shoots I'm gonna hafta do to afford one."

* * *

Yuka was taking in the sights of the early summer evening as he sauntered back towards Furinkan. Sayuri had gone off strolling away from the chaos with some girl. He was pretty sure that had been Akane screaming and locked in close combat by the time the mall began to collapse. It seemed a good time to head home.

Heading into Furinkan, Yuka encountered a Lawson. Interestingly, instead of it being built into the ground floor of a larger building, like near Nerima Station, this one was its own separate building, complete with a small, three car parking lot.

Shrugging, Yuka wandered in.

The store was empty save for the counter, where a woman in a familiar blue apron over a very strangely formal kimono was standing there, currently busying herself with refilling the large electric kettle as well as the coffee maker in the back. She turned and bowed deeply.

"Welcome!"

Yuka's eyes widened as the woman's clothing and demeanor clicked. Without thinking, he pointed at the woman with a small self-satisfied laugh.

"Hey, you're that lady, Konatsu. You worked at Ucchans."

The woman nodded. "Yes. Seven months ago."

"Haah, I knew it." Yuka stopped. "Wait, what happened?"

"Oh I grilled a customer's face after he tried to grope Kuonji-sama. She was... appreciative, but it was bad for business so she had to fire me."

Yuka blinked. "Fair enough." He grabbed a roll cake and some cold tea. As the woman bagged his order, Yuka fiddled around for some change and paid for his goods.

"Thank you for shopping at—"

"Can I use your bathroom?" Yuka asked.

Konatsu gave him a worried frown. "I'm not supposed to let customers..." the woman sighed. "Fine, of course. Down and to the left."

As Yuka walked off, Konatsu turned back to her work and wasn't looking closely when the door opened and a man in a black coat hurried inside. For a second he looked like a college student, though when he pulled out a can of spray paint and colored the security camera, Konatsu knew something was up. Her suspicion was confirmed when he pulled out a knife at her.

"Give me all the money you have!"

Slowly, Konatsu reached down and pressed the button opening the register.

"What are you doing!?" The man yelled and waved the knife left and right. "The fucking safe! I've been casing this place. Behind the cigarettes!" He waved the knife further behind her.

Konatsu smiled politely and nodded. She turned and pushed the small shelf of Mild Sevens aside and stopped as she looked at the safe.

"Hurry up!"

Konatsu held her hands up. "I just started here. I'm trying to remember how to—"

"Don't bullshit me, bitch! Open the fuckin' safe!" The man started to lean over the counter.

"Hey, your hand dryer is busted..." Yuka called out from the side. The assailant looked at the source of the noise, distracted. Konatsu, with a seemingly practiced ease, grabbed the kettle of water she had filled and heated earlier and threw it in the man's face. As he cried out in pain, she drew a wakizashi from her sleeve and jumped over the counter, kicking the man in the solar plexus, forcing him to drop the knife he had drawn on her. Konatsu caught it mid-air as she landed on top of his still wriggling in pain body.

There was tire squealing outside.

"Your ride left without you, you stupid bastard." Konatsu coolly said as she stood over him, wakizashi drawn, the flat of the blade pressed against the would-be assailant's neck.

Yuka stood there, jaw agape a second before a smile crept on his face. He gave the kunoichi/ convenience store employee a thumbs up.

"Awesome! Totally awesome! Alright, Konatsu!"

* * *

Ranma slid open the front door and as she walked past the entrance, Ranma found Akane, still male, sitting up and waiting for her in the living room, the TV on, but muted. Ranma remarked again how tall Akane was, almost lanky if not for the swimmer's build. Akane turned and brushed his bangs, wiping his face.

" -'kane..." Ranma whispered.

"Oh, hey," Akane said, standing. "What'd you get up to?"

"Oh, the 'gals' n I went back to Hiro's and played video games n' drink Cokes. I never gotta chance ta play them before. It was... It was pretty cool. You okay?"

Akane nodded. "Hey Ranma, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

Ranma blinked. "Ain't that my line?"

"No. I called you weirdo and accused you of doing pervy guy things and then this happened and I felt those things. And at first I was blaming this body and hormones and then... The more I thought about it, it was me. It was always me. I always wanted to do those... things with you. Like, you as a boy, but... I guess as a girl, too."

Ranma nodded. "And you as a— as a guy?"

Akane shook her head. "I mean... not exactly, but sometimes I thought about it and... I mean right now, yeah, I guess just out of curiosity. Maybe I can ask Shampoo for more of these Instant packets? But... for a first time, maybe I should be my regular self."

Ranma nodded. "Okay, well, I was gonna take a bath..." Ranma gave the tall boy a smile. "Wanna join me?"

Akane blushed. "Ranma! Why—" He stopped. "I'm doin' it again." Akane took a breath. "Yeah... if— if you're okay with that."

"I wouldn't've asked if I didn't want to, Akane." Ranma smiled. "You're not cute at all."

Akane frowned and his face grew angry.

"You're pretty," Ranma clarified and gave Akane a wink before she went upstairs. "Last one to the furo's a rotten egg."

Ranma was still washing with cool water when Akane came in. He sat down next to Ranma and began scrubbing. Akane still felt a bit awkward like this, but less so than when the whole thing began earlier that day, especially after all the genital trauma experienced, both physical and psychological. However, Akane glanced at Ranma and thought again what Ranma had said before running off. Akane felt the familiar thump in his chest, but also a less familiar sensation below and, before he realized it, he felt an unfamiliar stiffness.

Ranma looked over and let out a giggle. "Well, good to see what you really think of lil' ol' me."

"Oh, like _you_ need any more of an ego boost!" Akane said, pouring cold water over Ranma's hair. "Here, I'll wash your hair."

"Just watch where ya point that cannon," Ranma quipped.

"Quiet, lady." Akane gave Ranma a small noogie before sitting down behind her. Akane undid the braid of red hair and slowly smoothed it out. He reached out for the shampoo and began applying it to Ranma's hair, then began massaging her scalp.

"ow—OW! Too hard, Akane. You got bonier fingers as a guy!"

Akane blinked and nodded, using less force this time as he rubbed the shampoo into Ranma's scalp. "Better?"

Ranma hummed affirmatively. "Thanks. Ah man, it feels great."

"Ranma, don't lean like that. Your butt is—"

"Ah! I said watch where yer pointing that—" Ranma stopped and without meaning to let out a moan.

"Uh. Oh shit, sorry." Akane blushed as he saw the small figure in front of him leaning back a moment, her still shampooed hair against his chest. He saw Ranma's flushed cheeks.

Her eyes still closed, Ranma whispered, "Damn, I should be scared as hell, but like..."

Ranma grew silent but kept speaking in her head, _you like me when I'm a girl so I mean in my head I thought about what'd happen if you a curse like mine and I already decided I wasn't gonna be a hyp—hypo—have a double standard 'bout it. But now that it kinda happened..._ Ranma drew a sharp breath as she said aloud, " _Fuck_ this is hot. I dunno if I can wait, after all, 'kane."

"Are you—" Akane felt his voice crack before clearing his suddenly parched throat. "Are you sure?" Akane asked. Ranma responded by grabbing Akane's hand and placing it in between her legs. Akane felt a warm, non-shower based wetness and quietly mouthed an "oh."

"Lemme rinse first 'fore I get shampoo 'n'... other shit in my eyes." Ranma whispered as she bent forward and poured a tub of water over her hair. Squeezing the excess water out of her hair, Ranma let it drape over her right breast as she turned around and looked at Akane with hungry eyes and said with a smirk, "If ya knock me up, you're explaining it ta Ma."

Akane let out a strained laugh as the girl in front of him all but jumped onto his lap and they kissed deeply.

* * *

The front door of the store chimed as it opened. An elderly man looked up from his magazine and turned down the radio.

"We're just about closed, young man," he called out.

The young man who entered put a hand to the back of his head, pulling at his dark brown hair. "I'll be quick, sir. I just need an 'Utsurun Desu' if you have any."

The man looked at the shelf behind him and pulled out the instant camera in question. "Yep. That'll be 1380 yen. Bring it back here ta get it developed when you're done and I'll take 150 yen off the price."

Sayuri smiled. "That's a nice deal." He dropped a 1000 note and a 500 yen coin to the counter. Taking his change he gave the old man a warm smile.

"I may get my sister to come by and drop off the camera. Will that be a problem?"

"Oh not at all. Sounds like you have a nice family."

Sayuri gave a quick nod and wave and bade the old man a good night. He ran out of the shop, unsure what to do immediately.

 _Wish I could use my room like this. Mom would freak out. She's already on my case on the 'bad influences' at school,_ Sayuri grumbled internally as he looked at his pockets. Counting the loose change, he had an idea.

The love hotel was unassuming enough. No gaudy colors or themes on its signs. Just a rate: 1800 yen for an hour, 3000 for three hours, 8000 overnight. Pulling some cash out, Sayuri paid for an hour.

 _There goes the rest of my allowance..._ he thought as he went up to the room. He found a full length mirror against the door to the bathroom and, being judicious about lighting and the 24 pictures he could take, started photographing himself. He took shots of his form on the full body mirror, then, walking into the bathroom, closer shots of his face. Sayuri noted the small bits of peach fuzz turned stubble on his upper lip and near his jawline. Finally, he took some photos of himself without a shirt on, and then only in underwear. Besides taking the photos, he studied his shape intently.

Sayuri wanted to burn this form and its image in his mind for as long as it would stay, just as he had memorized Hiroshi's face and small body today.

Finally, putting his pants back on, but leaving the shirt off, Sayuri walked back into the bathroom. He made sure the camera had been used up and, with a quick dunk of the head, she returned to herself. She tightened the pants a bit, rolling up the cuffs and put on the dress shirt, which now hung loose and rolled up the sleeves. Sayuri noted that the clothes even smelled different than she had thought and tried to remember it as best she could as she stepped out of the love hotel and headed home.

Sayuri tried to quietly enter her house, running up the stairs. She heard her mother greet, or rather yell, at her.

"Sayuri! You're home so late!"

From upstairs and out of sight, she said, "I'm sorry! Yuka dragged me uh, clothes shopping and then we got food at the Nekohanten!"

"I don't like you hanging around all hours, who knows what could happen to a young lady like you! There are too many unsavory men around and you never know what they might do."

"... yep. No idea at all," Sayuri said to herself as she changed to something more acceptable.

"And I mean the city just isn't safe anymore! Did you hear on the news about Hikarigaoka?"

"N...No, mom. What happened?"

"Well!" Sayuri's mother began recounting, "According to the news, some disgruntled employee blew up the mall in Hikarigaoka! He apparently went crazy and started demolishing the place!"

"Oh. My. How awful," Sayuri replied in as nonchalant a tone as possible.

"Yes! They found him ranting about 'Communist rabbit insurgents' or something!" Sayuri's mother sighed, "I don't know if it's all that Western Rock Music or something, but it's just not safe anymore, Sayuri."

Sayuri sighed. "I'll be in my room doing homework, okay?"

Sayuri took the silence to mean she was in the clear. She pulled out her hi-fi and headphones and pulled out her milk crate of vinyl. She flipped past the Yellow Magic Orchestra and Matsubara Miki to an album she had shown Hiroshi earlier today. She pulled the record and flipped it to its B-Side, placing the needle on the second cut.

 _There was a time when you weren't about your heart_

 _Began to see_

 _And mine was like a crown of thorns cutting at you_

 _So deep._

 _And though it must've been like going through hell_

 _I know there's a better way to think about you, hon_

 _And you will be the one who knows all the rules_

 _You will be the one who's been through it all_

 _You will be the one who never follows their heart,_

 _Anymore..._

Sayuri closed her eyes and reflected on the day. Maybe... maybe she'd think about giving Hiroshi a call tomorrow. It was Sunday tomorrow. Maybe they could listen to records or read manga together, just like old times.

* * *

Shampoo was wiping tables at the Nekohanten the next day. They had just gotten through the lunch rush, but aside from a few nearby delivery orders, it was a quiet Sunday and the restaurant was mostly empty.

Shampoo wasn't sure she would ever get the ringing out of her hearing from how much Cologne had harangued her about the day before. That was before she got another earful from Mousse. Thankfully he had finally left her alone. _Everyone's so damn thin-skinned. It was a mall, not a military base. Fuck! 'Oh no, people might have to take the subway to *gasp* Shibuya to buy shitty ripped jeans...'_

She just barely heard the bell at the front door over her thoughts and temporary tinnitus. She looked up and saw Ranma walk inside. He was back to his male self, though his hair was down in a low ponytail rather than a braid. He also seem a bit pale and he had bags under his eyes.

"Welcome to the Nekohanten, _airen!_ " Shampoo called out.

Ranma raised a hand and walked towards a table. Well, 'walked' was a tad generous as he gingerly took his steps, seemingly to keep his gait even. As he approached the table he sat down, letting out a slight sucking noise through gritted teeth before he looked up at Shampoo and smiled.

"I need some Tonkotsu Ramen, extra cha shu pork, extra spinach, extra bamboo... hell extra everything and keep 'em comin; I'm beat."

Shampoo nodded and came back with two bowls of ramen that seemed filled with more toppings than broth. Ranma began to dig in with gusto.

"Have fun time with friends yesterday?" Shampoo asked.

"Yeah, they're good people." Ranma raised his free hand and said between bites, "Oh! Put Daisuke in the pool with 'natsu n that other kid from 1-B... Oozora, I think? That'll make it like 300,000 each?"

"305,000."

Ranma merely shrugged as he drank down the liquid from his first bowl, then changed gears and began slurping down the second bowl of ramen.

"You too too hungry today, Ranma. Violent girl not fill mouth with... 'eggplant' last night?"

Ranma squinted at Shampoo. "Not the place ta talk 'bout it. Besides, ain't ya jealous or somethin'?"

"Shampoo happy girl side get time to have fun. Had no idea violent girl would have third leg as boy."

Ranma began to stammer a response. "We-well ya don't—ya don't have ta put it like that, ya know. I—It's kinda complicated n'—"

Ranma heard the door to the Nekohanten open. He could hear a familiar woman yell, "And there! Are you happy now, Mousse?" Akane let out an exhausted groan. "Honestly! We went to a dozen stores in Harajuku to find you something!"

Mousse yelled back at Akane. "Well, New Order isn't the same as INXS, but..." Mousse nodded, "Yes, yes, fine. It's pretty cool I have a shirt from the _Substance_ tour. That was a great album"

" _Substance_ is compilation album, poser," Shampoo remarked.

Akane walked towards Shampoo and locked eyes with Ranma. Immediately, the two looked away, their faces growing flush. Shampoo looked at the two and smiled.

"You need more Instant Nannichuan, Akane? Or is violent girl actually able to make love to Ranma as girl, too?"

As Ranma and Akane both yelled at her, then began bickering with each other, Shampoo thought, _It's so much fun_ _to mess with them._

Shampoo picked up the empty bowl of ramen as she eavesdropped on their bickering.

"Well thanks ta ya, tomboy, I can't even walk straight!"

"Well good! Cause you're about as straight as a 3000 yen bill!"

"Look who's talking, snake in the pants!"

"Why I ought to..."

 _Too much damn fun._

* * *

It was a cold December in front of the Makuhari Messe in Chiba. The four of them got up extra early to take the train out to the Tokyo-adjacent city for the chance to hang out, pick up some doujinshi, and make a nuisance of themselves. Comiket awaits no one, not even their coordinated cosplay group.

"Aren't you freakin' freezing in that thing?" Hiroshi asked, rubbing his mitten-less hands before double checking his own wig and neckerchief were in place.

"I'm feeling just fine, dechau!" Daisuke said. Her normal hair was hidden under a long green wig and fake horns as she danced around Hiroshi in a tiger-striped bikini and matching boots.

"Stop that! You don't have to speak in character, idiot!" Hiroshi fixed his own wig, worrying that the skirt Sayuri got him wasn't long enough. Thankfully, he was able to wear pantyhose underneath for warmth.

"Hah, you sound like 'Shinobu' already." A third voice chimed in. "I wonder if should have brought a desk in for you to throw, after all." Sayuri walked up, in her white suit with Chinese collar and fake katana at her waist. Like Daisuke, she had her hair up and under a wig. Along with the sarashi flattening her chest and a bit of makeup to sharpen her features, she was the spitting image of Shuutarou Mendou.

"Oy, don't encourage her, Sayucchin." Hiroshi sighed. "Where's Yuka?"

"Right here, nerds." Yuka walked up casually. Her normally brownish hair was dyed jet black and, unlike the others, her hair was cut short and in a very boyish style. Otherwise she wore the black Furinkan gakuran with the jacket slightly open revealing a white button shirt.

"Oh wow, Yuka!" Sayuri exclaimed, "You really look like Ryuu-chan!"

Yuka smiled and gave a slight nod. "Thanks Sayu. I mean I planned to cut my hair short anyway, so why the hell not?" Yuka gave a slight shrug, "Whaddaya think, Takahashi?"

Daisuke leaned in towards Yuka. "Looks great. I'm surprised you didn't use some water to seal the look."

Yuka gave Daisuke a sympathetic look, "It wouldn't work right. You did better after a swim, but... for me? This is perfect as far as I'm concerned, _young lady._ " Yuka said the last phrase pointedly, though in a praising voice. Daisuke nodded and patted Yuka on the back.

"Okay, let's take some photos, dechau!" Daisuke said impatiently as she gave the group a peace and shook her hip to the side, drawing attention by several onlookers, especially those in stained sweaters and carrying backpacks.

"Stop that, dude." Hiroshi sighed. He thought back to the bet he made with Ranma a few months ago. _A few things changed_ —he noted how vibrant and smiling Daisuke looked and the confident demeanor Sayuri had when she playfully patted Daisuke's head _—but actually things kinda just evened themselves out_. _Plus the cash was a pretty good side benefit._

Hiroshi stopped as he felt a hand grasp his.

"Hey, are you being introspective again, Hicchan?" Sayuri asked, leaning close.

"Yeah, sorry, I let my internal monologue speak for me... I forgot I need to actually use my words." Hiroshi looked at the crossdressing girl next to his own crossdressing self. "Was just thinking about stuff lately. Just how I can see the 'Sadahiko' in you. And maybe I guess a bit of the 'Hiroko' in myself."

"I mean I can always ask Shampoo if you want to see Sadahiko in the flesh," Sayuri quipped. "You wouldn't even have to change, Hicchan. I'd still be taller and your chest is just as flat."

Hiroshi laughed a bit. "If you want to, I don't mind." He stopped a moment. "Oh! I forgot. I saved up and got _you_ a Christmas present." Hiroshi swayed a bit in his dark blue school uniform. "It's a bit early, but I wasn't sure if you wanted to go out the day after Comiket ends, especially with entrance exams and stuff, too."

Hiroshi reached into his bag and pulled out a wrapped box. As Sayuri opened it, she saw before her eyes a vintage Ultraman action figure.

"Oh. You idiot." Sayuri replied softly. "I would have been happy with a book or a cassette, you know?"

"Yeah, but... I'd have to be a miser to not spend my money on cheap sentiment. Also not cheap. I didn't realize these things were collectors' items now."

Sayuri found herself having to dab at her eyes and gave Hiroshi a hug.

"Merry Christmas, Hicchan."

"Merry Christmas, Sayucchin."

"Hey! Hiro! Don't mess up your 'boyfriend's' makeup! We got lots of otaku who want to take pics-dechau!"

Hiroshi rolled his eyes and the four began stomping around the grounds of the expo center, awash in a sea of nerds and the end of their own high school lives.

The End

* * *

This was a fun, wild ride. Thanks one more time to RDavidson and prise-en-passant, Beedok, and other folks who contributed their time and energy for pre-reading, copyediting, and providing feedback. It was invaluable to making it as silly and as complete as it is. I will be back soon with... something. Maybe Yumbe Chapter 5 of Doppio 2 or Pinch Hitter. We will see what the brain latches on to.

I've loved all the reviews and comments and I hope it was a satisfying, breezy read.

～裏には裏がある


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